(I am in a comparative religion class where a guest lecturer is talking about Chinese religions.)

Lecturer: “And the Gui are evil spirits or non-beings…”

(The classroom door then opens in the middle of the period, and a student dressed up as the yellow Teletubby walks in and sits in the back of the room.)

Lecturer: “…and there’s one now.”

(One of our major projects is to to make an environmental film. My teacher assigns me to a group with the class clowns in order to ‘inspire’ them. We turn in a film that is 10% environmental talk, 90% fight scene. Later…)

Teacher: “[Me], is something the matter? This film isn’t up to your normal standards of work. Did you have trouble with the assignment?”

Me: “Actually, I feel I did rather well. You put me with both [Student #1] and [Student #2]. What did you think was going to happen?”

Teacher: “…fair enough.”

(The other students got Cs; the highest grade that they had managed all year. I got an A+, along with a chocolate bar for ‘patience while faced with extreme adversity.’)

(My fiancé and I are discussing what we would do if we were suddenly graced with abilities from certain movies/games.)

Fiancé: “Being a superhero and choosing a super power would be pretty sweet, but I think I’d rather be a Jedi.”

Me: “I agree! Jedi have a pretty good range of awesome abilities, but if we were in the Star Wars world, you would have to kill me.”

(My fiancé gives me a look of betrayal and heartbreak.)

Fiancé: “Why would I have to kill you?!”

Me: “Let’s be realistic for a second. If I had the ability to force-choke people, I would abuse the h*** out of it!”

(My girlfriend and I are in a lesbian long distance relationship. We’re talking via Skype.)

Me: “Who do you think would be more like Portia and who do you think would be more like Ellen out of the two of us?”

Girlfriend: “I’m not sure; maybe we’re a bit of both.”

Me: “I think I’d be more like Ellen.”

Girlfriend: “But don’t you have to be funny?”

(My boyfriend of a year and a half and I are sitting on the couch watching a sad movie; I am crying.)

Me: “This movie makes me sad.”

Boyfriend: “I can make you feel better. Turn and face me.”

(I turn and he promptly sticks his face in my cleavage.)

Me: “This isn’t making me feel better.”

Boyfriend: “It’s making me feel better.”