All of our stories, starting with the newest!
(My boyfriend and I are having a drink at home. He used to be in the army.)
Boyfriend: “Would you like a refill?”
Me: “I was thinking about it. I’ll go get the Coke.”
Boyfriend: “I’ll get the Coke; you stay there.”
Me: “I really don’t mind getting up.”
Boyfriend: “STAY!”
Me: “You can’t give me a command like that! I’m not a soldier.”
Boyfriend: “That’s not the type of command I’d give a soldier. That’s the type of command I’d give a dog.”
(I’m one of four girls in a weight-training PE class. A guy I hardly talk to comes up just as I finish my final set on a particular machine.)
Guy: “Hey [My Name], check this out.”
(He starts using the machine I have just finished. He is grunting as loud as he can.)
Guy: “What do you think about that?”
(Without a word, I make a show in changing the weights back to my own level, which is twice as much as his.)
Me: *mocking his grunting* “This. Is. What. I. Think. About. That.”
(He walks away defeated. My female workout partner comes up behind me.)
Partner: “You know, this is the reason you don’t seem to be popular with many guys at school. However, this is also the reason I like working out with you.”
(I am five years old, with my parents in the check out for our items. I notice a pack of candy with a surprise dinosaur toy on the nearby shelf.)
Me: “Mom, can I have this?”
Mom: “Ask your dad.”
Me: “Dad, can I have this?”
Dad: “No.”
Me: “Please?”
Dad: “No.”
Me: “Pleeeaaase!?”
Dad: “No.”
Me: “Please. Please. Pleeeaaase!?”
Dad: “Fine, but on one condition: if you can let out a tear right now.”
Me: “Okay!”
(A single tear runs down my cheek. I get the candy with the dinosaur toy. My parents and the cashier can’t stop laughing.)
(My parents are having hardwood floors put down in the house. The carpenter is hammering the floor in. I am about three years old.)
Me: *walking out of my bedroom* “What is it with all the f****** noise?”
Carpenter: *stops mid hammer swing*
Mom: “[Name]! What did you say?”
Me: “Ugh! I *said*, ‘what’s with all the f****** noise?”
(I am quickly whisked away to be explained to that some words aren’t nice to say. Years later, Mom admitted that she had actually been a little proud that I used the word correctly!)
(My grandma is texting my uncle about setting up for an event.)
Grandma: “We’ll have thongs ready at 11.”
Uncle: “Oh you get to wear thongs; sounds like it will be a fun night.”
Grandma: “No, THINGS not thongs. We don’t need to wear thongs!”
