(My brother’s kindergarten class is learning about lumberjacks.)

My Brother: “I know a good song about lumberjacks!”

Teacher: “Okay. Would you like to sing it?”

My Brother: “I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay—”

Teacher: *blushing furiously* “Not that one!”

(That warranted a very interesting parent-teacher conference!)

This story is part of our Parent-Teacher-Conference Roundup!

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(We are discussing language and politeness in class.)
Lecturer: “Okay. Say if your lecturer had given you their fish to look after, and you accidentally killed it. How would you tell them?”

Student: “Why has the lecturer given me their fish? Isn’t that breaking the politeness/respect barrier in the first place?”

Lecturer: “Well, maybe it was for an experiment or something.”

Me: “I’m a linguistics student, not a scientist!”

Student #2: “Linguistics is a science!”

Student #1: “What kind of linguistic experiments am I running with goldfish, anyway?”

Lecturer: “Can we get back to the point? How would you tell your lecturer you’d accidentally killed their goldfish?”

Student #1: “Sorry. It turns out that taking a goldfish out of water doesn’t give it the ability to speak language. But at least we know now!”

(My school holds writing tutorials in a very large room. People are often doing different things depending on where they’re sitting. My friend and I sit down for the writing tutorial where they’re normally held. Teacher #1 is there. She knows me very well.)

Teacher #1: “Okay, so we have [Student #1], [Student #2], [Student #3], and… Oh, [My Name]! Good to see you.”

(I smile politely, although I think it’s a bit strange that she greeted us individually.)

Teacher #1: “As you know, we welcome all students, whether or not they’ve worked on yearbooks before…”

(My friend and I exchange glances and realise we’re in the wrong place. We stay there awkwardly for a few moments, not wanting to interrupt the teacher.)

Teacher #2: *across the room* “Everyone who’s here for the writing tutorial, it’s over here.”

(My friend and I get up to leave.)

Teacher #1: “[My Name], you’re not joining yearbook club?”
Me: “Uh… No. Sorry?”

Teacher #1: “Noooooo! I had such high hopes!”

(My boyfriend has had my engagement ring for several weeks now, but hasn’t asked me to marry him yet. He’s already skipped asking me on Valentine’s Day a week earlier. I’m getting rather eager. Finally, I notice him acting nervous all day and know that today is the day! We go to church, we go out to lunch, we go shopping, we go to a movie, we go a store, all day we are together, and he still hasn’t given me my ring! He is driving me home, minutes before curfew. I get frustrated, while at a stop light at an intersection.)

Me: “So are you going to ask me, or what?”

Boyfriend: “Uh… Well, you wanna?”

Me: “Yes! Duh!”

(My boyfriend opens the center compartment in the car and hands me the ring box. Totally not romantic. And yet, it’s so us!)

This story is part of our Valentine’s Day 2023 roundup!

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(My girlfriend has just gotten home from practice and hasn’t showered yet. I try to cuddle her but she pushes me away.)

Girlfriend: “Stop. I’m gross right now.”

Me: “So? I don’t mind.”

Girlfriend: “No, [My Name]…”

(I finally get up and start working on something else. Ten minutes later…)

Girlfriend: “Hey. Why am I not being cuddled?”

Me: “You told me no, babe.”

Girlfriend: “Oh… Well, never listen to me about that. Come cuddle!”