(I’m the night supervisor at a supermarket. I’m in my 20s but look younger than I am.)

Customer: “I have wine here. You’ll need to call your supervisor.”

Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I am the supervisor on duty tonight.”

Customer: “Really? Surely you have to be old enough to drink it before you can sell it.”

Me: “Well, yes. But I am old enough to drink and have been for a few years now.”

Customer: “No, you haven’t. You look like a child.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you. I’m in my 20s. But I’ll take that as a compliment.”

(The customer begins to rant about child labour laws.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice night.”

Customer: “GO TO BED!”

(It is New Year’s Day. The restaurant that I work in closes its dining room at 10 pm because of this. The manager has informed me that she’ll close it sooner if no one arrives. At 8:30 pm, a customer comes into the store, orders, then takes a seat. I go to clean a nearby table, since it is quiet.)

Customer: “Ma’am, what time do you close?”

Me: “We’re closing at 10 tonight. Maybe a bit sooner if it’s quiet enough.”

(The customer gets a shocked look on her face. She starts packing up.)

Me: “Ma’am, what’s wrong?”

Customer: “I don’t want to hold you up! You have to go celebrate the New Year with your family!”

(I convinced her to relax and stay, since it was over an hour until we would close. However, since then, the customer comes at nights through the drive-thru, not wanting to hold up the dining room!)

This story is part of the New Year’s Day roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. My name is [Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah. I ordered my pizza, like, an hour ago. It’s still not here.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. May I have your phone number so I can check your order?”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s [number]. Look, I’m really upset about this. My family is hungry. I expect you to send my order out immediately. I expect not to have to pay for it since it’s been over an hour.”

(At this point, my driver has walked in. It is a slow night. He is the only driver I have working. I put the customer on hold.)

Me: “Hey, man. Are you getting back from that run out to [customer’s street]?”

Driver: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “They’re on hold right now. They’re saying you never delivered their pizza.”

Driver: *rolls his eyes and reaches into his pocket* “Here’s the check they paid me with.”

(I get back on the phone with the customer. I verify her name, address, and phone number before confronting her.)

Me: “Ma’am. My driver just returned and handed me a check. It has your information on it and is written for the amount of your order. I also note that you didn’t even tip my driver.”

Customer: *long silence* “YOUR DRIVER IS LYING! I DON’T KNOW HOW HE GOT MY CHECK, BUT HE NEVER DELIVERED MY FOOD. I WANT IT NOW!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I’m afraid I can’t do that. Here’s the number to our corporate office if you’d like to call them about this.”

(As the customer hangs up, I hear her shouting to someone on her end of the line.)

Customer: “WHO’S THE IDIOT WHO PAID FOR THE PIZZA WITH A CHECK?!”

(A regular customer comes in every Thursday night without fail. She comes in to see what new jewellery we have in stock. On this day, her boyfriend has come into the store at about 1 pm. He specifically asks for me.)

Boyfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. As you know, [Regular Customer] will be coming in tonight. I need your help to find her the most perfect diamond engagement ring. I don’t want to ask her what she wants. I want her to choose. But… I don’t want her to know. Can you help me?”

Me: “Oh, absolutely! I’ve already got some ideas! Now, when you come in tonight, please just act normal. Then play along, okay?”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I knew you could help me with this!”

(I go speak with my manager and explain everything. She agrees that I can help. Approximately six hours pass. I see the regular customer walking into the store, with her boyfriend behind her. She does her normal look around the store. I’m standing behind the diamond ring section, pretending to clean some of the rings. She eventually makes her way to my section.)

Me: “Good evening, [Regular Customer]. Come to admire our jewels again?”

Regular Customer: “This is like Nirvana for me! I absolutely love this store. Always nice staff and nice jewels!”

Me: “And, as always, it’s lovely to see you again.”

(The boyfriend is looking a little green at this stage. I know the nerves are really starting to kick in.)

Me: “Here’s a new diamond ring that came in today.”

(I hand her the diamond ring, and she is admiring it.)

Regular Customer: “Nope. Doesn’t do anything for me.”

(I find a couple of other new rings and show them to her.)

Me: “What about these? Any of these catch your eye?”

Regular Customer: “Not really. I’m such a fusspot!”

Me: *taking a chance* “Would you like to see a ring on your finger?”

Regular Customer: “Oh… That’s pretty! I like that one!”

Me: “Good choice! It even has matching wedding bands, so you will be able to have the whole set.”

Regular Customer: “I like that. Less hassle before a wedding!”

(I take the ring from her and give it another polish. I stand back a little and watch what I know is about to happen.)

Boyfriend: “So, this one?”

(In a split moment, the boyfriend gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to her and asks her to marry him, right in front of me.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, my god! YES!”

(I now have tears in my eyes. The manager rushes over and dumps a whole heap of confetti on them both. I reach underneath my counter and present a champagne bucket with champagne on ice and two glasses.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, [My Name]. You knew all along! You knew he would do this! Thank you so, so much for helping him!”

Boyfriend: “How can I ever thank you?”

Me: “Just come back and get your wedding rings from me!”

(After the shock and excitement died down a little, we cracked open the champagne. We toasted the happy couple (my champagne was in a coffee cup!). They left about half an hour later. The couple returned to the store about an hour after leaving, with a HUGE arrangement of flowers and my favourite bottle of perfume. It most definitely made my day!)

(My friend’s son has gotten in trouble for swearing.)

Friend: “What did you say?”

Son: “No! Can’t say that.”

Friend: “Okay. What letter did it start with?”

Son: “It was the g-word!”

Friend: “The g-word? Spell it.”

Son: “G-O-B!”

Friend: “Is that really all you said? The punishment seems a bit harsh.”

Son: “Yeah. I only told the teacher to ‘shut her f****** gob’ and I got in trouble!”