(I am getting my two-year-old daughter ready to take over to her grandma’s for the day. Some mornings it’s a fight to get her to do anything.)

Me: “[Daughter], it’s time to get dressed; you need clothes to go to Memaw’s.”

Daughter: “No. I no want to.”

(I try to put shirt on her as our cat Buster wanders past.)

Daughter: “Buster doesn’t wear a shirt. I won’t either!”

(I shake my head at the profound logic coming from my two-year-old. We might have to start clothing our animals now.)

(I am telling on myself with this story. I am tidying up a display while a coworker was ringing customers through her register.)

Coworker: “[My Name] can you jump on, please?”

Me: *as I walk to my register to start ringing people through* “I can jump someone here…” *pause* “… er… I can help someone!”

(I am a merchant teller at a local bank, so I generally see the same people every day making large deposits for their businesses. For a while now I have been crushing on an employee from the business across the street, and he usually comes in wearing his uniform and makes the deposit before the store opens. Today he happens to be wearing normal clothes to make the deposit.)

Me: “Well, good morning, [Crush]! It’s good to see you in clothes for once!”

Coworker: “Oh, my God!” *falls off her stool laughing*

(I get a call on the first of April, one day after a job interview.)

Caller: “HEY! HEY! Guess what!”

Me: “Who is this?”

Caller: “It’s [Name] from [Company] from yesterday! You’re hired! All the other applicants were total f****** idiots! That’s why we want you!”

Me: “Uhm, thanks? That’s—”

Caller: “You know what I did? Do you want to hear it?”

Me: “What did you do?”

Caller: “I called all the other applicants and told them they’re hired! And when they got all excited I screamed ‘April Fools!’ Haha, I would have loved to see their faces. The first guy told me he’d sue me! Isn’t that funny?”

Me: “So… is this a joke? Or am I hired?”

Caller: “You’re actually hired. As I said, all the others were total f****** idiots! Welcome to [Company]!”

(I’m not sure if I’m going to take this job…)

This story is part of the April Fool’s Day roundup!

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(I’m the customer in this story, and I’m in my 30s. The cashier is a boy in his late teens. I’m buying some produce and he is entering the product codes and making small talk.)

Cashier: “Okay, so that’s a cucumber… Oh, no, a zucchini, I guess. It’s pretty runty.”

Me: “Yeah, it is pretty early in the season. When we grow them in our garden they get to be up to five pounds.”

Cashier: “Good thing you’re not making zucchini bread! You’d need, like, ten of these!” *laughs*

(The cashier then turns to me, leans in and gets serious.)

Cashier: “So, this is, like, for a bachelorette party, right?”

(I don’t know how I got out of the store without laughing.)