(I work at a bagel shop that also sells coffee. It’s a slow morning and my coworker and I are commenting back and forth on the saying ‘I like my women like I like my coffee’. Sometimes being witty, sometimes just being intentionally crude or goofy.)

Coworker: “I like my women like I like my coffee: So hot it burns me.”

Me: “I like my women like I like my coffee: Strong, black, no artificial additives.”

Coworker: “I like my women like I like my coffee: Naked.”

Me: “I like my women like I like my coffee: On my crotch.” *pause* “Ow, that’d hurt.”

Coworker: “I like my women like I like my coffee: Full bodied.”

Me: “I like my women like I like my coffee: served to me with breakfast.”

Coworker: “I like my women like I like my coffee: waking me up in the morning.”

Me: “I like my women like I like my coffee: Bitter, with a bite, but effective at what it does.”

(Another male coworker comes up front, unaware of our game.)

Me: “Hey [Male Coworker], how do you like YOUR coffee?”

Male Coworker: “Eh, I don’t really like coffee.”

Me: “…you know what, [Male Coworker], I’m not surprised.”

(We got a good laugh at his expense before filling him in on it.)

(We are the customers in this story. My dad, grandma, and I are adding my grandma’s line to our account after my grandpa passed away.)

Employee: “We’ll need to just verify with your husband that we can do the line transfer since he is the primary on the account.”

Grandma: “Let me know if you get a good connection!”

2014 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Right’s top-rated stories for last year!

1. Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian (5,284 thumbs up)
2. In Threat Of A Disconnect (4,105 thumbs up)
3. Counting And Discounting (4,065 thumbs up)
4. Good Customer Service Is Saving The Girl (3,988 thumbs up)
5. In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You (3,954 thumbs up)
6. Got Him Out Of A Pickle (3,930 thumbs up)
7. Just Telling It Like It Is (3,890 thumbs up)
8. The Uniform Response (3,888 thumbs up)
9. Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers (3,761 thumbs up)
10. God Loves Little Girls Who Stand Up For Others (3,755 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I used to work at a small sandwich shop at which the manager and I were the only daytime employees. Our franchise serves shredded cheese on sandwiches, and customers often try to get us to put extra cheese on, since it’s more difficult to gauge the proper amount. The following happens during our regular lunch rush, as my manager and I are running back and forth, ringing people through and making their sandwiches.)

Me: “And what kind of cheese would you like?”

Customer #1: “Shredded.”

(I measure out the proper amount with our scoop and put it on his sandwich.)

Customer #1: “No, put more than that.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is our standardized amount. If you want more, you’ll have to pay for extra cheese.”

Customer #1: “No, you didn’t put enough on. You need more than that.”

(My manager has just finished ringing someone through and comes over.)

Manager: “No, sir, I saw her measure it out. That is the standardized amount for a footlong sandwich.”

Customer #1: “No. I need more cheese than that!”

(This goes back and forth for a minute as I get to work on the next customer’s order, and finally my manager puts a full extra serving of cheese on.)

Manager: “So that will be [amount] extra when you get to the till, then.”

Customer #1: *mutters* “Well, put more than that on, then.”

(My manager ignores him, and I finish making his sandwich and start punching it into the till.)

Customer #1: “And I’m not paying for extra cheese.”

Manager: “I gave you double cheese. Are you saying you would like me to give you free food?”

Customer #1: “You didn’t put double cheese! You put a tiny bit extra.”

Manager: “No. You received the regular, doubled, amount. Are you going to pay for it?”

Customer #1: “No! You should have put more! I won’t pay for extra cheese.” *smiling smugly* “So, how much is it without extra?”

(My manager raised her eyebrows at him, canceled the order, threw the sandwich in the garbage, and went back to help the next customer in line. He stood there speechless until the other customers started applauding. Then his face turned red and he stormed out, muttering that we lost “$30.00.” His sandwich was only worth about $8.00, even with the extra cheese.)

(I work in a call center for a telephone company in their DSL technical support department. Apparently my “phone voice” is very close to the Interactive Voice Response (IVR) system’s. At least once a week, I get a call like this:)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?

Caller: Are you human?

(At this point, I can usually hear some frustration in the customer’s voice, so I say something that they’re not expecting to break the ice.)

Me: “No, sir/ma’am. I am just a better programmed computer…”