(An elderly man about 80 years old with a cane walks into the service station I work at and buys two 24 packs of water. I decided it would be nice to help him out to his car with them.)

Old Man: “You sure are a pretty young lady.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Old Man: “How old are you?”

Me: “24…”

Old Man: “I sure do like pretty young ladies. The girl I am dating now is 26.”

Me: *frowns*

Old Man: “She’s pregnant and she’s a crack w****. I’m going to get it tested when it comes out. I don’t think it’s mine. She actually prefers black guys but is just with me for my money so I am looking for a new woman. You interested?”

Me: “Not at all, sir. Now you have a nice day and good luck with… all that.”

(I shove his water in the car and walk back to the store face-palming all the way. When I get back in I tell my coworker what the old man said.)

Coworker: “I could have told you that would happen. I know him; he’s like that.”

Me: ” …then why didn’t you?!”

(My sister is driving around town with her twin three-year-old sons in the back seat when this exchange happens:)

Twin #1: “Mommy, what’s that?”

Sister: “That’s the cemetery.”

Twin #1: “What’s a cemetery?”

Sister: “That’s where people get buried when they die.”

Twin #1: “Why do we bury people when they die?”

(Before my sister can come up with a satisfying answer to the question, her other son pipes up:)

Twin #2: “Because if you bury them deep enough, you can’t hear them scream.”

(I am 16 and have just got my drivers license. My parents are overjoyed to have me taking over the task of driving my 15-year-old sister and myself to and from high school. I am somewhat less enthusiastic about the extra time alone with my little sister.)

Sister: “I don’t wanna listen to your dumb talk radio. Let me change it!”

Me: “I don’t care. I hate your music and it’s just for a ten minute drive home. Listen when you get back to your room with that giant stereo!”

(It goes on like this until she starts PUNCHING me in the face while I’m driving!)

Me: *deflecting her blows while trying to maintain sight of the road and control of the vehicle* “Are you crazy!? What are you doing?”

Sister: “When we get into an accident, it’ll be your fault because you’re the one that made me angry!”

Me: “Yeah, well the joke’s on you. My car doesn’t have passenger side airbags.”

(Because I lived in the US for a while, I have a US-based Skype phone number. However, I have since returned to the UK. I receive this call:)

Automated Message: “If you are the homeowner, you are eligible for free installation of a full home security system, with local 24/7 monitoring! If you are interested in this offer, please press 1.”

Me: *to friend* “Got nothing better to do right now.” *presses 1*

Agent: “Thank you for your interest. Can you confirm that you are the homeowner?”

Me: “I am.”

Agent: “Excellent.”

(They then proceed to explain all the benefits of their security system, making particular emphasis on the local-ness of their monitoring centres.)

Agent: “Now, sir, do you have any questions?”

Me: “Yes, actually. I was wondering if you could tell me exactly where your local monitoring station is.”

Agent: “Sure. Where do you live?”

Me: “Slough.”

Agent: “What state is that in?”

Me: “England.”

(They hung up immediately, and my friend and I laughed for hours!)

(Where I work, we are required to wear badges to get in the building and identify ourselves. The lanyards do not have to be from the company. I have recently bought a Doctor Who inspired lanyard with the words ‘Police Box’ printed all over it. This happens when we get a new administrator.)

Admin: “What is that?” *points to my lanyard*

Me: “Oh, it’s my Doctor Who lanyard. The Doctor flies around time and space in the TARDIS, which is disguised as a police box.”

Admin: “Well, you can’t wear that anymore.”

Me: “Why not? ”

Admin: *sighs* “Because it says ‘POLICE’ on it. People might mistake you for an officer! I won’t have the company name soiled because you got arrested for impersonating a police officer!”

(I continued to wear the lanyard anyway. I guess when you’re hardly on the floor of a call center with 200 employees, you tend to forget little things like criminal activity!)