(I’m hanging out with two of my friends at the mall, both whom are a lesbian couple. We’re eating at the food court and Friend #1 playfully shoves a spoonful of ice cream in her girlfriend’s face. At the table next to us, an older man and woman make noises of disgust and the man starts grumbling.)

Man: “Disgusting.”

Woman: “Hell sure is getting full these days.”

(My friends immediately sober from humiliation and fall silent.)

Me: “GOD-D*****!”

(Several people look over as I shout that as loudly as I can and stand up, facing the couple expectantly. They both stare at me.)

Man: “What?!”

Me: “Well?”

Woman: “Well, what!?”

Me: “I blasphemed the Lord. Aren’t you going to put me to death?”

Man: “What!?”

Me: “Leviticus 24:16, anyone who blasphemes the Lord must be put to death. The entire assembly is to stone them. HEAR THAT!? ALL OF YOU GET OVER HERE AND HELP THESE PEOPLE KILL ME!”

Man: “Shut up! Are you nuts? You trying to get us arrested?”

Me: “It’s only fair. Since you so dutifully follow the bible as to condemn my two friends here for being gay, it’s only right you follow the rest of it. I blasphemed; now you gotta stone me. Here, want me to look up the verse to prove it?”

(I pull out my phone. By this point, the whole food court has gone silent staring at us.)

Woman: “We’re not going to kill you!”

Me: “That would be violating God’s laws. You don’t want to go to Hell, do you?”

Woman: *sputters*

Man: “Murder is freaking illegal!”

Me: “So is discrimination. Most of the Old Testament rules were either made useless thanks to the New Testament, or are heavily illegal these days. So if you so-called believers are going to pick and choose which old, obsolete rules you’re going to follow just because you’re cowardly hacks, expect to be ridiculed in return. So you know, all three of us are Christians. God’s supposed to be forgiving and love everyone. Maybe you should learn something from that.”

(I pick up our lunches and move myself and my friends to another table. The couple stays put, but soon leaves thanks to the dozens of angry glares thrown their way.)

Friend #1: “[My Name], holy s***, that was insane!”

Me: “I knew memorizing all that would come in handy someday.”

(Our English teacher is on maternity leave, and a substitute arrives to take her place. Today, we’re learning about expressions and she’s assigned us a grammar exercise.)

Substitute Teacher: “Okay, what is the meaning of ‘it’s raining cats and dogs?'”

Me: *confidently* “It’s raining heavily.”

Substitute Teacher: “Yes, it’s raining heavily for the cats and dogs. Now, the next…”

(On Veteran’s Day, the students can wear camo or red/white/blue and get a treat. They get the treat from their homeroom teacher, which in this case is me.)

Student: “Miss! Miss! I’m wearing camo.”

(I turn from where I am handing out treats to some students.)

Student: “See!”

(He pulled his boxers out of the top of his pants so I could see that they were camo. He didn’t get the treat.)

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Fiancée: “Wow, my knee is really hurting all of a sudden.”

Me: *playfully* “What did you do to your knee?”

Fiancée: “I don’t remember doing anything to it.”

Me: “So you have am-knee-sia?”

(I am sitting at home. My dad is showing my mom some pictures he took of a roller derby match for a second opinion.)

Dad: *says something incoherent*

Mom: “Just look at that a**! It’s all you can see!”

Brother: “The things yelled across this household! THAT A**!”

Mom: “Well, it’s all you can see! It’s just a large black space in the middle of the picture!”

Brother: “Are you TRYING to make it sound p*rnographic?”