Those On Last Shift Get The Last Word

(The store I work at is closing at the end of December. I’m particularly stressed about it, since the same thing happened to my previous job only a few months before, and I am still trying to find somewhere else to go. This is, of course, the perfect time for my least favorite regular, a forgetful old lady with two dogs, to come in.)

Regular: “Oh, hello! Why do all these signs say, ‘Everything must go’?”

Me: “Well, the store is closing soon, so we’re liquidating. Just so you know, because of the generous discounts, you can’t use coupons anymore, and all sales are final.”

Regular: “Oh, okay. So, what are the sales?”

(There are sale signs posted on literally everything, all within about two feet of each other, so I point them out and explain and let her go on her way. She and her dogs stay for hours, and she keeps piling things on the back counter like it’s her personal cart. I remind her each time that she is not allowed behind the register and she continues pushing past me. Eventually, she finally checks out, a process which takes almost half an hour because she’s forgotten the sales and I have to explain them to her again multiple times. She also haggles on every item and gives me a ton of “no”s, but then asks me to hold them for her until tomorrow. Finally, she leaves, because she claims her dogs are getting overwhelmed. I think that’s the end of it until she actually comes back the next day, bag and receipt in hand.)

Regular: “Um, hi, I think it was you who helped me yesterday? I don’t know. I bought this pin.”

Me: “Yes, that was me. What about the pin?”

Regular: “Well, you see, on my way home, I was messing with it a little bit, and one of the stones fell out.”

Me: *ready for the crap-storm* “Oh, that sucks. I’m sorry.”

Regular: “You’re not going to ask me if I want to return it?”

Me: “No, because as I explained yesterday, all sales are final and we can’t accept any returns.”

Regular: “But it’s broken!”

Me: “It’s not broken because of us, so we can’t do anything about it. It broke after you left the store because you mishandled it.”

Regular: “Fine! God! Let me see my holds!”

Me: *pulls out the basket we set aside for her yesterday*

Regular: *starts pulling out items one by one and throwing them at me* “Then I don’t want this! I don’t want this! I don’t want any of this!”

Me: *getting beaned in the face by a sharp pair of earrings* “Then don’t buy them, and leave the store now.”

Regular: “How dare you?! I’m going to have you fired!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve effectively already been fired; all of us have. Our store is closing.”

Regular: *on her way out* “Good! You’re the reason they’re closing your store!”

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