It’s Like The Reverse Hotel California

England is in its third national lockdown. My mother and I are on the phone. We live about three hundred miles apart and, due to the restrictions and also the fact that my mother is at increased risk of serious illness, we have not seen each other for about ten months. During the emergency, my mother has been sending me little gifts of candy or books that I’ve wanted, and she wants to do something extra special for me for Valentine’s.

Mum: “So, I thought I could book you in at [Nice Local Hotel] for afternoon tea. How does that sound?”

Me: “Sure, when they’re open again.”

Mum: “Oh, are they closed?”

Me: “Mum, everywhere’s closed at the moment.”