Doesn’t Know Wheat You Mean, Part 3

(My friend has a very severe case of Celiac disease and cannot eat any gluten without getting incredibly ill. She’s very cautious about what she eats and always makes sure to request gluten-free when ordering food, either for delivery or in a restaurant. It’s Saturday night and we’re having game night at her house. My husband and her husband decide they really want pizza, so we call one of the few local pizza places that guarantee a gluten-free crust with no cross-contamination. When the pizzas arrive, we all start to dig in, until my friend realizes something is very wrong.)

Friend: “Ugh! This isn’t gluten-free! This is thin crust!”

Me: “Are you sure? Maybe the gluten-free is a thin crust.”

Friend’s Husband: “Here, let me taste it.” *takes a bite* “Nope, definitely not gluten-free, and there’s flour all over the bottom of it.”

Friend: “Grrr! Give me the phone. This is bull****!” *dials the restaurant* “Yes, I just had a pizza delivery to my house, and I specifically ordered a small gluten-free with bacon and mushrooms, and I can guarantee this is not gluten-free.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “Yes, I would love to speak to your manager.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “Hi, yes, I just ordered from your store and specifically ordered a small gluten-free pizza with bacon and mushrooms, and not only is this not your gluten-free crust, but it’s covered in flour.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “No, I can’t just ‘eat the pizza;’ I have Celiac disease. Do you know what that is?”

(Pause.)

Friend: “No, it’s not a fad diet. It means if I eat gluten I end up throwing up and having diarrhea for days.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “What I want you to do about it is remake the pizza correctly and have it delivered.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “Yeah, I’m sure you are busy, given that it’s Saturday night, but if you guys had done it correctly the first time this wouldn’t be an issue.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “NO, I AM NOT GIVING YOU MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER! YOU MESSED UP MY ORDER! I AM NOT PAYING FOR A SECOND PIZZA WHEN YOU’RE THE ONES THAT SCREWED UP!”

(Pause.)

Friend: “YES, IT HAS TO BE DELIVERED TONIGHT. I WOULD LIKE TO ACTUALLY EAT TONIGHT!”

(Pause.)

Friend: “Okay, let me explain what I would like from you. I do not want a voucher. I do not want a refund. I just want to be able to eat tonight. I don’t care if it’s going to take 45 minutes to get another pizza to me. Please just remake the pizza, how I ordered it, and have it delivered as soon as possible.”

(Pause.)

Friend: “Okay, great.”

Me: “Wow, so, how’d it go?”

Friend: *gives me the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen*

(When her replacement pizza arrived, the delivery guy knocked and then left it on the porch before we could grab the door. It was gluten-free… but with bacon and peppers instead of bacon and mushrooms. She ate it anyway and hasn’t ordered from there since.)

This story is part of our Celiac Awareness Day roundup!

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