Archive for 2013

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He’s The Best Actor Of The Bunch

| TN, USA | Right | October 14, 2013

(It’s mid-September. I’m helping my parents with their haunted house by working in the concessions stand. For the past few years, a customer has gone through and come back out blackened and bruised and sues us, claiming one of our actors hit him. While he has never won a case due to lack of evidence, the trials themselves drain away anywhere from $500-$1000 of our income. We ban him the year before, but this year after, he comes back and we’re sure it’s to try his scam again. The cashier is new and doesn’t know his face, so she goes ahead and sells him a ticket. After that he walks up to the stand where my coworker and I are.)

Customer: “Man, just starting the season, and you guys are already this busy? I bet you’ll be rich before the year is over.”

Coworker: “Yeah… I get a feeling not as much as we should since you’re here.”

Customer: “Aw come on; I can’t help it that your employees are all brutes and bullies. Anyway, I’m going to go ahead and go in, take care!”

(My coworker looks ready to call security; I tap her on the shoulder and shake my head, watching as the man goes through.)

Coworker: “Why did you do that? You know what he’s going to do.”

(I give my best slasher smile.)

Me: “We bought security cameras this year.”

(Sure enough, he makes another attempt at his scam. The camera catches him goading an actor into attacking him, and when they don’t fall for it, he walks out of sight of people, but still where cameras are. He bashes his arm and head against the wall until he bruises. When he tries to sue, we let him take to us to court and show the camera footage. The case is dropped immediately, and we counter-sue him for roughly three times the cost of being taken to court, very nearly making up all the money he has scammed out of us in the years past.)

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USB = Universally Stupid Backups

| SC, USA | Right | October 14, 2013

(I have just solved a customer’s virus problem.)

Me: “That should do it. I got it all before it was able to do any major damage. Do you keep good backups?”

Customer: “Backups?”

Me: “Yes, copies of your important files for when—and I do mean when, not if—something happens to your computer. For instance if this virus had not been kept in check.”

Customer: “So I could have lost all my music and wedding photos, and pictures of my grandma who passed away?!”

Me: “It’s possible, if you do not have copies somewhere else, yes.”

Customer: “Oh my God! Can you show me how to back them up?!”

(I spend another 30 minutes showing her how to backup to a USB thumb-drive I have with me, as she does not own one.)

Me: “You will need to get your own USB drive. You should be able to get one of adequate size for around $10 to $20.”

(Three months later, I am at the same customer’s house.)

Me: “Sorry, but it looks like your hard drive has crashed.”

Customer: “What does that mean?!”

Me: “The part where all your information is stored has gone bad. Anything on it that was not backed up may very well be gone for good, unless you wanted to send it away for costly data recovery.”

Customer: “Oh yeah… I remember you telling me to backup the last time you were here so I went and got one of those things… let me get it.”

(She leaves the room. I hear some rummaging and she soon returns holding the UNOPENED USB drive.)

Customer: “Sure am glad I got this!”

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Little Console-ation In This Situation

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Right | October 14, 2013

(Two customers stumble in the doors a bit drunk. They proceed to knock display cases off of a few shelves and even disrupt a display stand. It all seems to be accidental, so I let them be. My coworker just cleans up behind them. Finally, they come up to the counter.)

Customer #1: “Hey, we were looking to buy a Playstation 3, an Xbox, and an extra controller for each, and all new.”

Me: “Ooh, lots of games to catch up on, huh?”

Customer #2: “No, we’re just gonna—”

Customer #1: “DUDE! It’s a secret man; you can’t blow it!”

Customer #2: “OH DUDE! Sorry, man!”

(I’m a little confused, but I ring them up and see them off. An hour later, they come back in with the torn, destroyed boxes.)

Customer #1: “Hey man, these don’t work. We want our money back.”

Me: “Oh, that’s unfortunate. Let me open everything up and see if I can figure out why they didn’t work.”

(The objects inside are CLEARLY not the systems I just sold them. They are older versions of each console, beaten up and broken. One is even missing the wires that come with it.)

Me: “These are not the ones I sold you. I couldn’t even take these as trade-in; they’re in terrible condition.”

Customer #2: “S***! AND WE ALREADY SOLD THE OTHER ONES TO—”

Customer #1: “Uh… well our new ones were just stolen from our car, actually. So we’d like a refund or like, a free game.”

Customer #2: “That’s not gonna WORK, man! We should just go, man. Before they call somebody!

Customer #1: “UH… Well we’re gonna file a report with the police and we’ll be RIGHT back!”

(They walk out the door, leaving me and my coworker stunned.)

Coworker: “There is no way that just happened…”

Me: “Is there a hidden camera here? This can’t be real life…”

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Fattening Fallacies, Part 2

| Cleveland, OH, USA | Right | October 14, 2013

Customer: “It’s so convenient that this place just opened. I’ve been trying to eat healthier lately, and ice cream is my weakness in the summertime.”

Me: “Oh, I agree. Nothing beats something cold and sweet on a hot day.”

Customer: “I still can’t believe that this stuff is calorie-free. It tastes too good to be true!”

Me: “Um, sir? You are aware that frozen yogurt still has calories, right? It is healthier than ice cream but there are still calories.”

Customer: “What? But what about the bacteria? I was told yogurt has them. They eat all the calories out of it before we can!”

Related:
Fattening Fallacies

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Should Deaf-initely Mess With Him

| Mansfield, MA, USA | Right | October 14, 2013

(I have grown up with selective mutism, and have learned to speak using ASL. This is not apparent now, as I can now speak perfectly in public. My boyfriend on the other hand, is deaf.)

Me: “Welcome to [Store Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a [Signature Creation].”

Me: “Right away.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m allergic to all nuts; can you make sure nothing touches?”

Me: “Of course, let me go get some clean spades.”

(I leave and go to the back. My boyfriend visits me at work for the first time as we live a bit apart. He tries to order something from the menu and is frustrated that my coworker cannot understand him. He has never done speech therapy so he cannot speak. I come back to the front.)

Customer: “Freak! What are you even doing here making those noises? No one wants your kind here. Get out! F****** freak.”

(The coworker is stunned, and is not stepping in, so I step in.)

Me: “You cannot speak to another patron like that. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “I’m doing this for all of you. Why would you want this freak around?”

(I turn to my boyfriend and sign to him that I will take care of this, even though it’s kind of a deaf culture no-no.)

Me: “I am not required to answer that question. I am, however requiring that you leave.”

(I go around through the back and out to the front where the customer is still causing issues. We are able to escort him out, but he stands at the glass windows glaring at us.)

Boyfriend: *signing* “We should really mess with him.”

(My boyfriend kisses me, and the customer goes ballistic until the police come and arrest him. I stopped working there, but my wonderful intelligent and deaf man and I are now engaged to be married.)

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