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Three Is A Crowd But Also Allowed

| Canada | Romantic | October 15, 2013

(It is February 13th. There is a customer staring at the Valentine’s cards. He is near tears. I am nearby waiting for my cousin who works here, and is my ride home.)

My Cousin: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “No, thanks. Wait… no. No.”

My Cousin: “Now that sounds like a cry for help. Talk to me; what’s wrong?”

Customer: *sadly and rather awkwardly, in lots of broken sentences* “I can’t… I… this couple. We’ve been having threesomes and I want to get them something. I love them. Both. So much. But they’re married, and they’re my best friends, and I don’t want to ruin everything.”

My Cousin: “How can a card ruin everything? You think telling people you’ve been having sex with that you love them will scare them off?”

Customer: “I… don’t want to presume.”

My Cousin: “Come on, you haven’t been standing here for a half hour because it’s a bad idea. You know what you want to do.”

(He nods slowly, and she helps him pick out a ‘to the woman I love’ and a ‘to the man I love’ cards. His hands shake the whole time he’s paying, and his knuckles are white around the little plastic bag as he leaves.)

Me: “Man, now the hot ones are, like, double taken.”

My Cousin: “I suddenly have a good feeling about the woman who was in here a few days ago buying a ‘for my husband’ and a ‘for my boyfriend.'”

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A Trifle Concerned

| Des Moines, IA, USA | Romantic | October 15, 2013

Me: “Hey! We should stop at that park and pick some crabapples. I want to eat them.”

Boyfriend: “You can’t eat crabapples.”

Me: “No! You totally can! I read about it on an urban foraging blog. You can make them into relishes and jelly.”

Boyfriend: “You could eat poop but that doesn’t make it a good idea.” *pondering look* “Though I suppose you couldn’t make poop jelly.”

Me: “I could make poop jelly. You can make anything into jelly if you add enough fruit pectin and sugar.”

Boyfriend: *horrified look*

Be My Tom-Boyfriend

| France | Romantic | October 15, 2013

(I am female. I have three sisters, but I’m a bit of a tomboy.)

Boyfriend: “Your father didn’t need a boy; he had you. That’s why I love you.”

Me: “Do you?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, you’re like a guy but with no penis!”

Me: “That would be the perfect woman?”

Boyfriend: “Totally!”

Waiting For A Miracle

| Romantic | October 15, 2013

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Avengers Disassemble

| San Jose, CA, USA | Romantic | October 15, 2013

(I’m chatting with my friend online, after we have both just finished watching and discussing the new ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D’, when I decide to change the subject.)

Me: “Did I tell you about the super cute guy I met?”

Friend: “No, but I’m sure he’s not Asgardian.”

Me: “I would hope not; I’d much prefer a cyborg. I might try to take him apart though. I think that would probably put a damper in the relationship.”

Friend: “Just maybe.”

Me: “Only if I don’t figure out how to put him back together after.”

Friend: “We’re joking about dissecting a guy you just met, by the way.”

Me: “Not dissecting, disassembling!”

Friend: “Because that’s better?”

Me: “It is! Much less gooey.”

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