(We are talking in bed before we go to sleep. I always fear the worst when people get sick.)

Boyfriend: “I keep getting really bad headaches lately.”

Me: “Maybe you should see a doctor?”

Boyfriend: “Nah. It’s just headache. What are they gonna do?”

Me: “Well, maybe something is wrong?”

Boyfriend: “Like what?”

Me: “I don’t know… Worst case, a brain tumor or something. You never know!”

Boyfriend: “That’s not possible. I don’t have that.”

Me: “What, tumors?”

Boyfriend: “No, brains!”

(My girlfriend and I are lying in bed. I playfully grab her behind.)

Girlfriend: “Hey!”

Me: “I can do that. I’m allowed to.”

Girlfriend: *quoting the song “Bootylicious”* “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.”

Me: “I am totally and completely ready for this jelly.”

Girlfriend: “In this situation I am doubtful of your jelly preparedness.”

Me: “I am jelly prepared. This jelly is my destiny. I have trained for this my entire life. Any jelly that I have been involved with in the past was merely practice for this one jelly.”

Girlfriend: “I’m not sure whether I should be amused, complimented, or offended.”

Me: “Probably a healthy dose of all three.”

(I am English, but live in the USA. While driving one day I get thirsty, and go through the drive-thru of a popular burger chain.)

Worker: *through the speaker* “Welcome to [Fast Food Restaurant]. May I take your order?”

Me: “Can I get a bottle of water, please?”

Worker: “Could you repeat that, ma’am?”

Me: “Water. A bottle of water.”

Worker: “What was that?”

Me: “Water. Bottled water. Uh, to drink? Water?”

Worker: “Sorry, ma’am. Can you repeat that?”

(I figure the worker can’t understand my English accent, and try to (badly) imitate the local American accent.)

Me: “Can aaah get some waaah-trrrrr?”

Worker: “Sure! One water, that’ll be $1.10, first window!”

(The British National Party is a notoriously racist and bigoted political party in the UK. We’re in a lesson that uses the BNP as an example for a concept.)

Teacher: “And does anyone know what BNP stand for?”

Student: “Yeah, British National… Problem?”

(Never have I been so proud of a class!)

(My sister has just fallen out of her bed and is crying. My mom wakes and shakes my dad.)

Mom: “Honey, get up. Your daughter is injured.”

Dad: *sleepily* “Why is she my daughter at times like this?! You go!”

Mom: “I did the birthing. You do the check-ups. Now, go! She may be badly hurt.”

Dad: *grumpily* “Fine!”

(Dad gets up and trudges to the door, still asleep. But he goes in the walk in closet, and gets stuck there. Meanwhile, my sister is still crying.)

Dad: *pawing through clothes* “Honey! Help! I can’t get out! Is this the hallway? Where am I?”

Mom: “You’re in the closet! Oh, God!”

(Mom finally gets up and takes care of my sister. After, she finds my dad asleep on the closet floor. The next morning he has no memory of what happened!)