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I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Related | December 30, 2013

(My sisters and I are all under the age of eight when my dad is invited to play Santa at my school’s ‘brunch with Santa.’ My parents spend a while planning how to keep my sisters and me from finding out, but the problem is soon resolved. My young sister finds a letter in our fireplace a couple weeks before the party.)

Letter:

Dear [My Dad’s Name],

I’m writing to ask you a very big favor. I’ve received an invitation to be the guest of honor at a brunch that [Our School] is holding as a fundraiser. I would love to meet the kids and help the school earn some money, however, this is a very busy time of year for me (as I’m sure you can guess) and I won’t be able to make it. Since I’d hate to disappoint the kids, I’d like to ask you to dress as me and be my replacement at the brunch. You’ll need a suit and a hat, of course. Let me know if you have any trouble finding those. I know I can count on you to be as jolly and friendly with the kids as I would.

Thank you so much for your help. Tell [My Mom’s Name] and the girls I sent my wishes for a Merry Christmas!

Love, Santa

P.S. Make sure the girls know how important it is to keep the secret. I wouldn’t want any of their friends to stop believing!”

(As an added bonus, my sisters and I really did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus, for several years in a row!)

Has Beef With Venison

| Puyallup, WA, USA | Related | December 30, 2013

(I’m with my mom, trying to explain a joke where Santa is playing Scrabble with his reindeer, and the only available word to play is ‘venison.’)

Mom: “I just don’t get why it’s funny.”

Me: “Because deer are only called venison when you’re about to eat them. These deer are Santa’s friends. Hence, the ‘funny.'”

Mom: “Okay. I think I get it, but do we really only use venison when talking about food?”

Me: “Gee, those venison sure are having fun, frolicking in the field.”

Mom: “You made your point. Why do we even call it venison, though? We don’t invent special words for other animals, like beef.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Gee, that beef sure is having fun, frolicking in the field.”

Mom: “Shut up.”

We Wish You A Merry Birthday

| NY, USA | Related | December 30, 2013

(My family and I are at a church Christmas dinner the day after my birthday. A couple of women are leading carols and they start to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Oblivious to the fact that my brother arranged for them to sing to me, I sing along.)

Everyone:…happy birthday, dear [My name]!”

Me: “Oh!”

Brother: “Well, that wasn’t what I planned.”

Everyone:…happy birthday to you!

Me: “I totally thought we were singing happy birthday to Jesus!”

Favorite Time Of Year To Be Childless

| Related | December 30, 2013

holidays-single-party-drink-sex-christmas-season-ecards-someecards

Putting The Pun Into Punishment

| England, UK | Romantic | December 30, 2013

(I play a few rounds of a team-based online game that has REALLY not been kind to me lately, pitting me with completely incompetent allies. I promised my wife after one game I would watch cartoons with her. After a particularly bad game I head upstairs to find her playing ‘The Sims.’)

Me: “Come on. Save it. I need to watch cartoons before I strangle something. Not you, of course. Just, something.”

Wife: “Hang on. Just doing this.” *completes a few more actions in her game* “If that game frustrates you so much, why do you play it? I would have stopped ages ago.”

Me: “I can’t do that. It would be like admitting defeat, that it beat me.”

Wife: “But I has de-feet already!”

Me: “Wha…?”

Wife: “On the ends of my leggies!”

Me: “Reconsidering strangling you…”

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