Code Red Alert!

Our lab is used by companies who want to drug test their employees or potential applicants, usually via a urine test. I sign in an applicant and direct them to their room, and they then return with the sample bag. The bag is clear and contains the collection tube inside.

Me: “Sir, I don’t think we can accept this sample.”

Applicant: *Immediately defensive* “Why not?!”

Me: “Because if you’re going to try to fool our tests, I personally wouldn’t try to replace the urine with Mountain Dew.”

Applicant: “How do you know that’s Mountain Dew?!”

Me: “One, I can see the soda bottle in your pocket, the color of which matches the sample you’ve just returned. And two, unless you urgently need to see a doctor, I would have gone with regular Mountain Dew, not their Code Red flavor.”