Barking Mad Neighbors

(I work from home and live next door to a lovely widower with two large white fluffy dogs. One day, I get a knock at the door.)

Woman: “Excuse me?! You need to shut those d*** dogs up!”

Me: “…”

Woman: “They’ve been barking all morning. They’re barking right now! Can’t you hear them?! Are you going to do anything?!”

(There are no dogs barking.)

Woman: “If you don’t do something, I’m going to kick those d*** dogs into next week! I’ve seen your husband walking them. Yes, they’re gorgeous dogs, but you can’t just let them bark like this.”

(I am a lesbian and live alone.)

Me: “I believe you’re mistaken. I don’t have any dogs.”

Woman: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “And if you’re talking about the dogs I think you are, you must have brilliant hearing, because [Neighbour] takes them to doggy daycare three miles from here.”

Woman: “You’d better not be lying to me! I’ll send my big, black husband around to beat up your man if you are!”

Me: “Right.”

(I shut the door in her face and told my neighbour to be on the lookout just in case she did something silly. I later caught a glimpse of her very white, 5’5” husband.)