And All It Cost You Was A Dollar

I had an investment account at my bank that I set up in order to save for my kids’ college, and I used it to pay tuition. About two years after the last one graduated, I realized that I’d been getting a monthly statement for the account, even though it only had $280 in it.

I went to the bank to close it out and have the $280 transferred to my checking account. They sent me to an investment specialist in a small office off to the side, since customer service people can’t do anything with investment accounts.

I want to state that the person I sat down with was doing his job, and he had rules and procedures to follow. He started out nice and friendly. When he asked why I wanted to close the account, I explained to him that I was getting monthly statements, it was costing the bank money, etc. However, he told me there would be a $135 fee to close out the account. I asked if it could be waived since it was half the value of the account, and it was costing the bank to send the statements, and he got irritated with me for even suggesting such a thing. Then, he spent the next fifteen minutes trying to sell me life insurance, asking how much I had in my other accounts, and telling me that he could probably do better performance-wise if I transferred it all to his investment branch.

Cue petty revenge:

I decided not to close out the account but to take out $279 instead, leaving a buck in it. In a now condescending tone, he lectured me that it wouldn’t stop the monthly statements, the reason I wanted to close the account. I explained to him that it wasn’t worth $135 to me to stop the mail.

Two years later, I’m still getting monthly statements for the account that now has $1.03 in it.