You’ll Want To Wipe This Story From Your Memory

I approach the office manager. We are both male.

Me: “The men’s facilities are almost out of toilet paper. Where do you store it?”

Office Manager: “It’s in [storage room], but thanks for the reminder. I’ll order some more.”

A nearby coworker, also male, scoffs at our interaction.

Coworker: “Why are two men so concerned about toilet paper. Seriously.”

Me: “Uh… well I don’t know about you but it’s kinda hard to wipe without it.”

Coworker: “You wipe? What are you, gay?”

My brain stutters.

Me: “Uh… what?!” 

Office Manager: “Can’t believe I’m asking this, but what do you wipe with?”

Coworker: “Nah, wiping a butt is gay. I’m not a f** like that.”

I am beyond words, and totally grossed out by the idea of this guy just… not wiping.

Office Manager: “Do you hold your junk when you pee?” 

Coworker: “Uh, duh! Gotta aim somehow!” 

Office Manager: “So touching your own d*ck isn’t gay, but wiping your butt is?”

Coworker: “Shut up! You know it’s different!”

Office Manager: “I really don’t. Explain it to me.” 

Coworker: “It’s… butts are gay, alright!”

Me: “So… wait… you never wipe?”

Coworker: “No! That’s gay!”

I walk away quickly to hide my disgust. The office manager tells me to leave it with him. That coworker is given a talking to about “office hygiene etiquette” by his manager (I wasn’t told that officially, but I was told that there’s a standard HR script for that) but that didn’t do down too well and he was let go a month later for… health reasons.