Wow, Just Like In The Movies!

With the advent of the health crisis, there has been a marked increase in scams running around the country, including a dramatic increase in the number of cold callers. I got like one cold caller in the past decade, and I’ve gotten easily ten this year alone.

I get another scam call while at work and decide to have some fun.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Greetings, sir. My name is [Scammer], and I wish to inform you that you’ve been selected to attend a [Bank] raffle and lucky draw. You can win prizes of up to one million dollars, with a minimum consolation prize of one hundred dollars!”

Me: “Wow. But wait, I don’t have a [Bank] bank account.”

Scammer: “Oh, that’s just fine. No [Bank] account is required to participate. As long as you have a Singaporean bank account, you’re eligible.”

Me: “I see.”

Scammer: “Just to confirm, you are a Singaporean citizen, yes?”

Me: “Yup.”

Scammer: “Excellent! Now may I have your name for my records?”

Me: “Ham Ka Chan.”

That’s Cantonese for “May your family burn in Hell.”

Scammer: “Mr. Hamka, okay. Now, may I know which occupation you work in? I believe it should be IT or office work, yes?”

Me: *Casually* “I work as a spy for Singaporean Military Intelligence.”

The scammer freezes.

Me: “Have you ever heard of any terrorists or organised crime in Singapore?”

Scammer: “No?”

Me: “Exactly. We’re the reason why.”

The scammer breathes in sharply.

Me: “Now then, I highly recommend you rethink your life choices, Mr. Scammer, because I’ve dragged this call on long enough for a trace on your location to be performed. And unless you want yourself and your entire family to disappear one day, I highly encourage you to turn yourself in. The police will have far, far more mercy than our torturers.”

Scammer: *Panicking* “Oh, no, no, no, no! This can’t be happening.” *Click*

I look around at the rest of my coworkers in the break room.

Me: “Scam call.”

Sergeant: “Did you seriously threaten to have him assassinated? I mean, we may be spies, but that’s beyond our mandate.”

Me: “I know that. You know that. We all know that. But he doesn’t know that.”