(My girlfriend speaks Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese, but not English. Except for a few words, she doesn’t speak or understand English at all. This happens at a restaurant.)

Cashier: “Is that all?”

Me: *to my girlfriend in Portuguese* “Do you want anything, sweetie?”

My Girlfriend: *in Portuguese* “French fries and three cookies.”

(Before I can repeat her order, the cashier interrupts.)

Cashier: “What did she just say?!”

Me: “She said she wants french fries and three cookies. Make her fries the same size as mine, please.”

Cashier: “No! Why can’t she order herself? What’s wrong with her? She should speak English!”

Me: “Well, she can speak three languages, but English is not one of them. Now, could you please?”

Cashier: “No! Not until she speaks English! If she can’t speak English, she shouldn’t be in this country! She should go back to Mexico!”

(My girlfriend recognizes the word ‘Mexico’.)

My Girlfriend: “No, no. Portugal, Portugal. Portuguese. Spanish, Italian, Portuguese. No Mexico.”

Cashier: “What?”

Me: “She’s trying to tell you she comes from Portugal and speaks those three languages. Her family is blended of those nationalities and that’s why she knows them. But that’s doesn’t matter. Not wanting to serve my girlfriend because she can’t speak English is discrimination.”

Cashier: “Well, you should get some friends who speak English! Not my fault you choose stupid friends! You’re an American woman! You shouldn’t speak anything but English!”

Me: “I can speak whatever language I want. I happen to be very fluent in all the languages my girlfriend speaks. But I’m not going to stand here and argue with you. Please cancel my order.” *to my girlfriend in Portuguese* “Let’s get ice cream instead, okay? There’s an ice cream shop down the street.”

(After we get outside, my girlfriend says to me in Portuguese…)

My Girlfriend: “I have no clue what either of you said, but I know that woman didn’t like me. I’m not mad. We have idiots like that in Portugal too.”

(At my office, two of my co-workers are dating. The male is very nice and polite to me, whereas the female is not so nice.)

Male Coworker: “So wait, that’s why you have that picture as your lock screen photo?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, I mean it’s supposed to be cute, but every time I unlock my phone, I have a mini-heart attack, so I might have to change it soon.”

Female Coworker: *glares*

Male Coworker: “Ha ha… yeah, I’d probably change that too after a while. Uh… so, I’m gonna go grab the next set of items we have to take pictures of. Be back in a bit.”

Female Coworker: *keeps glaring*

Me: “Alright you do that. See you in a bit.”

(After my male coworker leaves, the female coworker speaks to me.)

Female Coworker: “Could you not?!”

Me: “…Could I not what?”

Female Coworker: “I mean, could you not flirt with my boyfriend? You do this all the d*** time and I’m sick and tired of it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry if it seemed like I was, but I swear I’m not flirting with him.”

Female Coworker: “Uh, yes you were! You always do. Listen, I know he’s hot, but I would appreciate it if you could keep your paws off him.”

Me: “Okay, first of all, I never touched him. Second, he’s in a relationship, which is something I would respect even if I was single. If you were paying attention to our conversation, you would know I’m not single, because third, I was explaining to him why I jumped when I unlocked my phone to check the time, which by the way, is because I have the lock screen on my phone set to a picture of my BOYFRIEND.”

(I show a picture of my boyfriend to my female coworker. Surprisingly, she slaps my phone out of my hand.)

Female Coworker: “Whatever! I know you’re lying! An ugly b**** like you could never actually get a boyfriend. It wouldn’t last more than a month anyways. He’s too good looking for you!”

Me: “We’ve been together for five months, and he’s put up with eight years of my ‘ugliness,’ thank you.”

Female Coworker: “Whatever, w****!”

(At this point, I realize my male coworker has returned and has been listening to our conversation. He finally speaks up.)

Male Coworker: “[Female coworker], I think we need to talk.”

(My coworkers are still together, but the female coworker doesn’t bother me when I have to talk to her boyfriend anymore. She still glares, though!)

(The manager has called everyone in for an “emergency meeting” at 3 in the afternoon. My co-worker and I work from 8 pm till 7 am and have gotten little sleep, so we decide to have a little fun with it.)

Manager: “So, the main reason I’ve called you all here today—”

Co-worker: “Mawwiage!”

Manager: “Ahem… I’ve gathered you all to tell you that we intercepted a communiqué from corporate—”

Me: “Intercepted a communiqué? Are we running a restaurant or staging an uprising?”

Manager: *glares at me* “We have retrieved information from corporate HQ—”

Me: “Many Bothans had to die to bring us this information!”

Co-worker: “Your evil empire shall not stand, [manager]!”

Manager: *sighs* “You two just go on home, please, and take tonight off.”

(We’ve recently hired a new administrator. He’s a young man with no previous admin experience, but he’s had a wide voluntary roles and has a fantastic attitude. It’s his second or third day working for us, and he’s manning the phones.)

Admin: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [company name]. This is [admin] speaking.”

Caller: *says something*

Admin: “I’m afraid [manager] is in a meeting right now, but I can take a message and have her call yo—”

Caller: *says something*

Admin: “I’m sorry, but unless it’s an actual matter of life and death, she won’t speak to anyone until after the meeting.”

Caller: *says something*

Admin: “No, my death doesn’t count sir. It wouldn’t cause her enough paperwork.”

(He looks up and sees me laughing and rolls his eyes. The caller is yelling so loudly, that he holds the handset away from his head.)

Admin: “I’m afraid shouting won’t help sir. I can just move the handset away.”

(All of us in the office are curious, so I hold up a sign telling the admin to press the speaker button so we can listen in.)

Admin: *presses speaker button*

Caller:  “—TO ME BOY! I’M HER F***ING BROTHER! PUT ME THROUGH RIGHT NOW!”

(The admin looks at me quizzically to see if the caller is telling the truth. I nod my head side-to-side.)

Admin: “I’m sorry sir, but if you were related to her you would know she doesn’t have a brother.”

Caller: “JUST PUT ME THROUGH, YOU IGNORANT LITTLE S***!”

Admin: “I’m hardly ignorant, sir.”

Caller: “F*** YOU! I’LL HAVE YOUR F***ING JOB FOR THIS!” *hangs up*

Coworker: “Who was that? I’ll have to add him to the caller blacklist.”

Admin: “I think he said he was [name], from [company]?”

Coworker: “[Name]? S***, he could actually get [manager] to fire you. But don’t worry; we’ll tell her what he said, and he won’t know what hit him.”

(When my manager comes out of her meeting, my coworker explains everything. The manager sends the admin home early and leaves early herself. The next day, however, we discover that my manager visited the rude caller and talked to his boss about his conduct. She also bought a box of chocolates for the admin for, as she put it, “winding that a***hole up so well.”)

Worker: *rudely* “What do you want?”

Me: “Hi, I’d like a cheese pizza and a six-inch veggie on wheat please.”

Worker: “You don’t need that much food.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Worker: “You’re too small to need that much. I’m not gonna sell you pizza just so you can barf it back up. Just stick with your veggies.”

Me: “Let me speak to your manager.”

Worker: “No way, I’m not going to go get my manager just because you want to pretend you eat.”

(Before I can reply, the cashier, who has overheard everything, hurries over and hip checks the rude worker out of the way.)

Cashier: “Ma’am, I am very sorry. We’ll get what you asked for, and I’ll get the manager up here for you immediately.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Worker: “No way! I’m not going to let you stick up for this anorexic b****!”

(At this point, there is a small line behind me and the elderly woman behind me speaks up.)

Elderly Woman: *to the worker* “You say one more word and I will haul your butt over this counter and tan it like your mother should have, you disrespectful little turd!”

(The others in line laugh. The manager shows up then, and I relate the story. The worker denies it, even though the cashier and other customers back me up.)

Manager: “Well, we’ll just get that ready for you, and consider this matter resolved.”

Elderly Woman: “So, you’re just going to allow him to speak to your customers that way? Excuse me for a moment while I make a call.”

(She calls someone and says a name that makes both the manager and the worker’s faces go sheet white.)

Elderly Woman: “Okay…” *her phone towards the manager* “My husband would like to speak with you.”

(The manager and worker vanish into the back, making denials about what happened over the phone. The woman smiles)

Elderly Woman: “My husband owns this particular franchise. I’ve been in here enough that you’d think those turds would know it. [Cashier], please put this lovely young woman’s order, as well as these patiently waiting people’s orders, on the house.”

Me: “Thank you, but you really don’t have to do that.”

Elderly Woman: “No, I don’t, but what the h***. You look great, by the way!”

Me: “Thank you, for everything you did.”

Elderly Woman: “Hey, it livens up my day!”

(After I ate and was leaving, I saw an elderly man—the elderly woman’s husband and store owner—enter the store and berate the manager and worker. Both of them were in tears as he fired them both.)