A Green-Eyed Bluster

(At my office, two of my co-workers are dating. The male is very nice and polite to me, whereas the female is not so nice.)

Male Coworker: “So wait, that’s why you have that picture as your lock screen photo?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, I mean it’s supposed to be cute, but every time I unlock my phone, I have a mini-heart attack, so I might have to change it soon.”

Female Coworker: *glares*

Male Coworker: “Ha ha… yeah, I’d probably change that too after a while. Uh… so, I’m gonna go grab the next set of items we have to take pictures of. Be back in a bit.”

Female Coworker: *keeps glaring*

Me: “Alright you do that. See you in a bit.”

(After my male coworker leaves, the female coworker speaks to me.)

Female Coworker: “Could you not?!”

Me: “…Could I not what?”

Female Coworker: “I mean, could you not flirt with my boyfriend? You do this all the d*** time and I’m sick and tired of it.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry if it seemed like I was, but I swear I’m not flirting with him.”

Female Coworker: “Uh, yes you were! You always do. Listen, I know he’s hot, but I would appreciate it if you could keep your paws off him.”

Me: “Okay, first of all, I never touched him. Second, he’s in a relationship, which is something I would respect even if I was single. If you were paying attention to our conversation, you would know I’m not single, because third, I was explaining to him why I jumped when I unlocked my phone to check the time, which by the way, is because I have the lock screen on my phone set to a picture of my BOYFRIEND.”

(I show a picture of my boyfriend to my female coworker. Surprisingly, she slaps my phone out of my hand.)

Female Coworker: “Whatever! I know you’re lying! An ugly b**** like you could never actually get a boyfriend. It wouldn’t last more than a month anyways. He’s too good looking for you!”

Me: “We’ve been together for five months, and he’s put up with eight years of my ‘ugliness,’ thank you.”

Female Coworker: “Whatever, w****!”

(At this point, I realize my male coworker has returned and has been listening to our conversation. He finally speaks up.)

Male Coworker: “[Female coworker], I think we need to talk.”

(My coworkers are still together, but the female coworker doesn’t bother me when I have to talk to her boyfriend anymore. She still glares, though!)