(I am a lab scientist. Our hospital stocks small hand-held analyzers that can run some tests. Laws say that to calibrate or do anything with altering the analyzer’s technical or clinical functions, a certified lab scientist has to do it. I am running quality control and making adjustments to the hand-held analyzers when it gives me an error that I’ve never seen before. I walk to where our phlebotomists hang out when they aren’t doing anything, to ask if any of them have seen the error before. As I walk, I continue messing with the analyzer, trying to get it to work.)

Me: “Hey, guys have any of you… Nevermind. I fixed it.”

Phlebotomist #1: “What?”

Me: “Oh, it was just giving me an error I’d never seen before. But I fixed it.”

Phlebotomist #2: “If there’s an interface error, they reset automatically and fix themselves. You didn’t do anything.”

Me: *Shush. I am certified. And I pressed a button. I fixed it!”

(I am the customer in this story, buying drinks from a gas station. I work in retail myself. The cashier rings me out like normal until after the last register beep.)

Me: “Did you find everything you needed today?”

Cashier: *looking at me like I have horns*

Me: “Oh, my god, I cannot believe I just did that. I’m a cashier myself and didn’t realize how much of a habit that had become! I’m so sorry!”

Cashier: *dies of laughter*

(I drink large quantities of pop/soda. I went to the store to pick up a couple 12-packs, not grabbing a cart because I can carry them. They are out of my favorite, but have two-liter bottles on sale. I don’t want to get a cart, so I just pick up a box of eight of them.)

Cashier: “Dang, you got the whole box?”

Me: “I didn’t get a cart and was too lazy to walk and get one.”

Cashier: *takes one out and scans it 7 times* “Yeah, I get you man.” *pauses, then counts the bottles in the box under his breath* “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.”

(He proceeded to do this THREE times, even tapping the bottles as he counted. He put the eighth bottle in and promptly charged me for the seven he counted to. I just stood there in bewilderment.)

Cashier: “Have a nice day!”

Me: “Uh… you, too…”

(I’m shopping in a large retail store. In electronics there are sales reps from large TV provider working and a sales rep approaches me to sign up for service. He is very pushy & I have declined.)

Sales Rep: “C’mon, you need this and you DESERVE this.”

Me: “I wouldn’t consider this something I “deserve” or “need”, so no thank you, but I appreciate your effort.”

Sales Rep: “Well, your APPRECIATION doesn’t pay my bills!”

(He turns his attention to a woman with a cart filled with cat-related items: toys, litter, food, etc.)

Sales Rep: *to woman* “I don’t like cats; they stink up the house. Yeah, my roommate has one and it’s gross. So, who is your current satellite TV provider?”

(It’s generally not a good idea to start a conversation with someone who obviously owns/loves cats by telling them how much you dislike them and then start a sales pitch.)

(It is my 18th birthday, and I’m very excited to go out for a nice dinner with some friends. I’ve made it clear to them that I don’t, by any means, want the staff of the restaurant to sing to me, so please don’t mention any birthdays. Sure enough, one friend accidentally mentions it to our waitress as she passes by.)

Waitress: “Oh, your birthday! You want the free dessert when we come out to sing to you?”

Me: “Oh, please, no, don’t do the song. If you have a soul, please don’t do the song.”

Waitress: “Oh, honey, I’m a waitress. I don’t have a soul.” *she laughs a weird, creepy laugh, as if I was supposed to find that funny* “But, fine, I won’t have anyone come out and sing, but you’ll still get the free [dessert], all right?”

Me: “Thank you, but really, I don’t need the free dessert.”

(We finish eating our entrees and chat for a bit, when I hear the worst sound in the world: an entire staff of a restaurant clapping in unison.)

Staff: “Happy, happy birthday, from [Restaurant] to you. We wish it was our birthday, so we could party, too!”

Waitress: *puts the dessert on the table* “See? I said I don’t have a soul! Hahaha! Here’s your check, folks. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Me: *absolutely lost for words, wishing I was invisible as now the entire restaurant is staring directly at me* “Uh… guys, please eat this as fast as possible so we can pay and get the f*** out of here.”