(My manager’s daughter is on vacation in Mexico and has recently called from the resort’s phone to tell her mom that her call phone isn’t working. The manager has called the phone company to figure out what the problem is. I’ve only caught the last bit of the conversation and can only hear one side.)

Manager: “I just don’t understand why her phone isn’t working.”

Manager: “But I have nationwide coverage. Why isn’t it working?”

Manager: “Ugh, fine.” *hangs up*

Me: “What happened?”

Manager: “They said they’d make her phone work, but it’s going to cost [amount] per minute. I have nationwide coverage. I don’t know why it’s going to cost so much!”

Me: “Nationwide means in the USA. You know that, right?”

Manager: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “[Coworker] is in Mexico. That’s not part of the nation, meaning—”

Manager: “—it’s supposed to be NATIONWIDE! Her phone should work!”

(She stormed off leaving me dumbfounded and speechless.)

(It is my 18th birthday, and I’m very excited to go out for a nice dinner with some friends. I’ve made it clear to them that I don’t, by any means, want the staff of the restaurant to sing to me, so please don’t mention any birthdays. Sure enough, one friend accidentally mentions it to our waitress as she passes by.)

Waitress: “Oh, your birthday! You want the free dessert when we come out to sing to you?”

Me: “Oh, please, no, don’t do the song. If you have a soul, please don’t do the song.”

Waitress: “Oh, honey, I’m a waitress. I don’t have a soul.” *she laughs a weird, creepy laugh, as if I was supposed to find that funny* “But, fine, I won’t have anyone come out and sing, but you’ll still get the free [dessert], all right?”

Me: “Thank you, but really, I don’t need the free dessert.”

(We finish eating our entrees and chat for a bit, when I hear the worst sound in the world: an entire staff of a restaurant clapping in unison.)

Staff: “Happy, happy birthday, from [Restaurant] to you. We wish it was our birthday, so we could party, too!”

Waitress: *puts the dessert on the table* “See? I said I don’t have a soul! Hahaha! Here’s your check, folks. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Me: *absolutely lost for words, wishing I was invisible as now the entire restaurant is staring directly at me* “Uh… guys, please eat this as fast as possible so we can pay and get the f*** out of here.”

(It’s near closing time and I have been chatting with the associate as she rings up my clothing. Note that I’m an astrophysicist and have mentioned this earlier in the conversation.)

Sales Associate: “Can I ask you something, honestly?”

Me: *warily* “…sure?”

Sales Associate: “Do you believe in aliens?”

Me: “Um, well, it’s really unlikely that we’re the only form of life in the whole universe, but I don’t really believe we could be, you know, visited by any other life form. I mean, the universe is a really big place and they come here to leave crop circles? Hah!”

Sales Associate: *looking around* “Well it’s just that I have always had a special connection with aliens wherever I go. Here you go!” *she hands me my bags*

Me: “Oh. Okay! Thanks! We’ve got to get going now. I mean, it’s quite late.”

(I begin making my way to the door; my sisters are already heading out, having heard the conversation. The sales associate comes out from behind the counter and follows me.)

Sales Associate: “I used to live in New Mexico and I saw these lights this one time. And now that I’m here I’ve had quite a few experiences.”

Me: “Well, I am sure that you’ve had experiences that are super special to you. That’s fantastic. As to whether or not they were aliens, well, it’s all in what you believe.”

(She seizes my hand.)

Sales Associate: “You are absolutely right. Yes, thank you. You’re the first person to believe me.”

Me: *inching away and trying to not rip my hand from her grasp* “Well, as long as you believe it yourself, that’s what is important. I mean, it doesn’t matter what anyone else believes, what I believe.”

Sales Associate: *finally letting me go* “Yes! Thank you so much. Okay, you have a good day now! Thank you! Thank you for believing in me!”

(Sometimes we get customers who don’t realise that we have so many variations of different meats. This happens on a day when my coworker is tired and on her last nerve, and is therefore being rather unhelpful.)

Customer: “I’d like some of that one, please.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The salami.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The mild.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: *irked* “The Hungarian.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “Gah! The one that isn’t free range!”

Coworker: *smiles brightly* “Coming right up, sir!”

(The customer looked about ready to smash his head onto the counter. Occasionally when I order something from this coworker I’ll repeat the above conversation just for a laugh. For some reason she never finds it funny.)

Customer: “I’m looking for headphones. Do you know any good brands?”

Worker: “None of our headphones work here.”

Customer: “Wait, what?”

Worker: “None of them work. They’re all broken at the moment.”

Customer: “What do you mean none of them work? I saw lots of headphones back there. One of them is bound to work. I just want to make sure I’m getting the best brand.”

Worker: “Well, none of these headphones work here. I recommend going to a different store. There’s another one in [Location].”

Customer: “Okay, but this seems a little odd here. I came here before for video games music, laptops, and movies. You guys always have enough of those appliances.”

Worker: “I know it sounds strange but I don’t know what else to tell you. These headphones don’t work. In fact we barely ever have working headphones. I try to tell the manager but he tells me that they work fine. But, when I try them, I can’t get any of them to work, ever. I read the instructions and manuals but they are completely useless and don’t help at all.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll just go to the other branch. Is it all right if you recommend some brands for me to try out at least?”

Worker: “I told you literally none of the brands I’m familiar with work.”

Customer: “Can you at least tell me the popular brands people often buy?”

Worker: “Well the most popular brands are AT&T, Verizon, Samsung Galaxy phones, the IPhone 6 and IPhone 6+, and Blackberries. Those headphones usually sell the best…”