(My dad and I are sitting at home while I’m visiting for the weekend. The phone rings and I answer out of habit.)

Scammer: “Hello, is this Mr. [My Last Name]?”

(Wary of scammers, but knowing how harsh my dad can be over the phone, I continue on.)

Me: “Yep, that’d be me.”

Scammer: “I have some questions about your wife’s finances.”

Me: “Okay, which one?”

(There is a silence on the other end as my dad smiles.)

Scammer: “Which… one?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m an active polygamist. Which wife are you talking about?”

(The scammer hangs up and my dad just smiles and nods in approval.)

Dad: “I have taught you well…”

(I have the combination of a love of pizza and an unusual allergy to an ingredient used in pepperoni. As such, whenever I end up at the local mall’s food court and get pizza I ask them to use a clean spatula to get my slices to avoid contamination. I’ve literally just watched the employee pick up pepperoni pizza, and the slices of pepperoni that had started to slide off, when he asks for my order.)

Me: “Could I get two slices of cheese please? And I don’t want to sound difficult but I have a food allergy. Could you use a clean spatula?”

Employee: “Sure!” *uses the same spatula he had JUST used to pick up one of my slices*

Me: “Sir, I just saw you use that on the pepperoni. I can’t eat that now.”

Employee: “It didn’t touch it!”

Me: “I LITERALLY just WATCHED you!”

Employee: “What do you want me to do about it?”

Me: “Get a CLEAN spatula, and use THAT for my slices, PLEASE.”

(The employee makes a big huff about having to get a new spatula, while he’s gone another employee asks if I’ve been helped and I explain the situation, the customer next in the line backing up my story. The second apologizes and after I get to the register where a third employee is, this happens.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but do you know if they swapped both slices out or just the one?”

Employee #3: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I have an allergy to the pepperoni, the first guy tried to use the contaminated spatula to get my slices. I just wanted to know if he used a clean spatula so I can actually EAT this.”

Employee #2: *races over* “We used the green one.”

Me: “That’s not what I’m asking.”

Employee #2: “We have the normal one we use for all pizza, and then the green one for the vegetarian.”

Me: “Okay, but was my CONTAMINATED slice swapped out or do I need to worry about getting hives all over my d*** body?”

Employee #1: *racing over as well* “WE USED THE GREEN ONE.”

(At this point I gave up since I’ve already paid, so I just take my pizza and eat. Thankfully, they’d replaced the contaminated slice.)

(I have two pet rabbits, neither particularly small. They’ve recently had trouble maintaining their weight but there’s no signs of illness and they’re eating well, so my guess is the newer rabbit brought worms with her and passed them to my buck. I pick up some worming medicine from the pet store which needs to be fed to them for a course of a few days, but they only have one pack; I return on their delivery day for more.)

Me: *to store manager* “Hi, I need some medicine from the cabinet.”

Manager: “Sure.” *he opens it* “What do you need?”

Me: “Three packs of [medicine], please.”

Manager: “What do you need it for?”

(I explain about the likelihood of worms and the fact that they’d only had one pack last time.)

Manager: “Oh, so you only need one pack, then.”

Me: “What? No, I need three more.”

Manager: “Once you’ve given them the tablets it covers them for a year.”

Me: “Uh, it’s not tablets. And it’s a course; if you look on the side of the box, it tells you how much you need to give the rabbit. One pack would be enough for a rabbit under 2.5kg; mine are 3kg and 6kg, so I need more.”

Manager: “That’s not right. It’s one tablet, and they’re fine for a year.”

Me: “But… no, that’s not what it says on the box at all. If you’d just look-”

Manager: “That’s how it is for dogs.”

Me: “I… what? I’m not trying to deworm a dog.”

Manager: “It works for dogs!”

Me: “I have RABBITS. Just- just look at the box!”

(He finally glanced at it, then grumpily gave me the medicine I wanted, all the while muttering about how it’s only once a year, how it is for dogs, etc. The manager of a pet store that actually sells rabbits and animal medicines could not comprehend that dogs and rabbits could possibly need different medical care. For the record, after the course of medicines their weight stabilised nicely!)

(We have a door at work that is kept locked by a magnetic lock, so it can’t be forced open. At the entrance is a sign advising people “ring the door-bell.” However most people new to the building seems to think the sign reads, “Pull as hard as you can”… to the point where they’ve actually warped the door a bit.)

Door: “Ring ring!”

New Person: *yanks door as hard as he can*

Me: “Hold on!”

New Person: *keeps yanking door repeatedly*

Me: “I’m coming!” *gets to door and opens it*

New Person: “I’m here to work on [item whatever].”

Me: “Okay, I’ll get the supervisor.”

New Person: “By the way that door’s a bit warped.”

Me: “…”

(My AC adaptor for my laptop died recently — miraculously in warranty. I order the replacement from the manufacturer. When it arrives, I discover that it’s the wrong part.)

Customer Service Representative: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Me: “Hi, I just received a replacement adaptor I ordered from you, but I was sent the wrong size.”

Customer Service Representative: “I’m sorry to hear that; let me pull up your account.”

(She verifies all my information, and then…)

Customer Service Representative: “Have you received the replacement part yet?”

Me: *literal facepalm* “Yes… That’s how I know you sent me the wrong part.”

(The sad thing is, that was the EASIEST part of dealing with the company. This turned into an utter ordeal.)