(I have had an appointment with a massage therapist booked over a month in advance. A week before the appointment, I get the following phone call.)

Caller: “Hi. This is [Name] from [Spa]. I’m calling to inform you that [Therapist] has had to go out of town on [day of appointment] and we will need to reschedule you.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ll need something at the same time of day, but the day of the week doesn’t matter.”

Caller: “Oooh, unfortunately we don’t have any evening appointments left in December. You know, it’s the end of the year and everyone’s trying to use the last of their insurance benefits. If you wanted an evening appointment, you should have booked well in advance.”

Me: “…”

(The phone rings.)

Customer: “I need to get sand for my pool filter.”

Me: “Okie doke, how much sand do you need?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “If you look on your filter, it will usually tell you how much it uses.”

Customer: “I’m looking at it right now. It doesn’t say how much it needs.”

Me: “Does it say anything on it at all?”

Customer: “Yes it has a serial number.”

Me: “What is it?”

Customer: “300-L-B-S.”

(I pause.)

Customer: “Does that help?”

Me: “I will have your sand ready to pick up in 15 minutes.”

(My sister and I are on vacation together and are at a spa. My sister is 6 years older than me.)

Employee: “Wow! You guys must be twins!”

(Sister and I stare at each other.)

Me: “I don’t know if I should be offended, or if you should be flattered.”

(I’m working in my office when I hear a loud voice outside. I go to check it out as sometimes interested clients can’t find the office easily. A middle-aged man wearing short shorts and knee-high socks walks towards me.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you? Are you interested in making a booking?”

Customer: “No, I’m here to sell you a stuffed elephant’s head. I’ve visited this place before, so I thought of you at once.”

Me: “Uh… thank you, but we don’t have a need for an elephant’s head.”

Customer: “Yeah, fine. I will drop it off now; please pay cash!”

Me: “Please don’t drop it off. We don’t want it. It would not match our decor.”

Customer: “But there’s a lamp on top of it, and the trunk can be used as a fountain. Just buy it! I’m moving and I don’t have the space! I’ll drop it off now.”

Me: “No, we don’t want it. Please try to sell it to someone else.”

Customer: “Just buy it! I don’t have the space for it! I can’t believe this! Why would anyone not buy it? Fine! I’ll go somewhere else! I’m never booking here again!” *storms off*

(I work at a spa with a lot of elderly regulars. There is a rumor that some are Freemasons. A conversation with a coworker about Freemasons turns into this.)

Coworker: “Remember that video we saw last time, the one with the news anchors blinking out lizard eyes and stuff?”

Me: “Yeah, I remember that. It’s pretty dumb. I mean, lizard people from space trying to infiltrate and take over our planet? Come on!”

Coworker: “I know, right? It’s totally demons.”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, demons! You know, like when you get high enough in the Freemason ranks you get possessed by demons. I think some of the guys here may be one of them!”