Completely (Pea)Nuts

| Right | May 17, 2012

(I’m working in my office when I hear a loud voice outside. I go to check it out as sometimes interested clients can’t find the office easily. A middle-aged man wearing short shorts and knee high socks walks towards me.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you? Are you interested in making a booking?”

Customer: “No, I’m here to sell you a stuffed elephant’s head. I’ve visited this place before, so I thought of you at once.”

Me: “Uh…thank you, but we don’t have a need for an elephant’s head.”

Customer: “Yeah, fine. I will drop it off now; please pay cash!”

Me: “Please don’t drop it off. We don’t want it. It would not match our decor.”

Customer: “But there’s a lamp on top of it, and the trunk can be used as a fountain. Just buy it! I’m moving and I don’t have the space! I’ll drop it off now.”

Me: “No, we don’t want it. Please try to sell it to someone else.”

Customer: “Just buy it! I don’t have the space for it! I can’t believe this! Why would anyone not buy it? Fine! I’ll go somewhere else! I’m never booking here again!” *storms off*

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Conspiracy Potpourri

| Working | May 4, 2012

(I work at a spa with a lot of elderly regulars. There is a rumor that some are Freemasons. A conversation with a coworker about Freemasons turns into this.)

Coworker: “Remember that video we saw last time, the one with the news anchors blinking out lizard eyes and stuff?”

Me: “Yeah, I remember that. It’s pretty dumb. I mean, lizard people from space trying to infiltrate and take over our planet? Come on!”

Coworker: “I know, right? It’s totally demons.”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, demons! You know, like when you get high enough in the Freemason ranks you get possessed by demons. I think some of the guys here may be one of them!”

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The State Of The Union

| Right | October 18, 2011

(I work in a day spa that has several services, including massage. Two teenagers come in and ask about our couples massage.)

Teenager #1: “Hi, can you tell us about the couples massage package?”

Me: “Sure, it’s an hour massage with complimentary aromatherapy. It’s [price].”

Teenager #2: “It’s for our parents’ anniversary, but I’m not sure they would want to spend an hour in a room together.”

Me: “They are done in separate rooms.”

Teenager #1: “Well, that sells it!”

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Girly Man

, | Right | July 20, 2008

(This big, muscular guy comes in for a massage. We assign clients randomly and he got stuck with me, 110 lbs of girl.)

Tough Guy: “I requested a male therapist.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, would you like to go back? They’ll give you to the next guy when he’s ready.”

Tough Guy: “How long will that take? I’ve been waiting for two hours!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m sure it won’t be much longer. We can go back and they’ll put you at the top of the wait list.”

Tough Guy: “No! Let’s just do this already.”

(He explains that he likes “very deep pressure” and wants a deep-tissue massage with “lots of elbows.” He tells me to go as deep as I want because, “you’re not going to hurt me.” 30 seconds later, as I’m using my hands…)

Tough Guy: “Ow, that’s too hard! Don’t go so deep!”

(I lighten it up a lot and start to run my forearm down his back, and he starts dramatically wincing and squirming all over the table.)

Tough Guy: “OWWWW, that’s too hard! You need to go lighter!”

(By the end of the massage, I was just brushing him with my hands, his tolerance was so low. The next week, I got his comment card back.)

Tough Guy’s Comment Card: “You beat the s*** out of me and I’m never coming back here again!”

 

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