(I am fourteen and babysitting at the park. I’m walking to the slide with the kid I’m watching. When we get there, a kid who can’t be much older than four pokes me in the leg.)

Me: “Oh, hello there!”

Rude Kid: “You’re too old to be playing on the playground!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

(I was about to turn and guide my kid up the slide, but the rude kid immediately bursts into tears.)

Me: “Oh, no! Are you okay?”

Rude Kid: *runs off bawling*

(I assume that’s the last of him, and continue on my way. A few minutes later, however, the rude kid returns with his mom.)

Mom: “My little sweetums said you made him cry!”

Me: *gets a horrible feeling from the use of the word “sweetums” — has any normal, non-spoiled brat ever been called sweetums? — but stays professional* “I’m sorry to hear that… What did I do?”

Mom: “He said you kicked tanbark in his face and said his penis was small!”

Me: “I, uh, what?”

Rude Kid: “Yeah, I just wanted to touch your booooobs!”

My Kid: “Your what?” *starts giggling* “That’s a funny word!”

Me: *to My Kid* “Ask your mom a little later. Can you go play in the sandbox with [My Kid’s Friend]?” *to Rude Kid’s mom* “Ma’am, the fact that your son knows these words is a bit odd to me, but I won’t question your parenting. Your son told me I was too old for the playground and burst into tears after I acknowledged him.”

Mom: *ignoring half of what I said* “How do you know what penis and boobs mean?”

Me: “With all due respect, I’m fourteen. I’ve had sex ed twice. With that said, I’m going to leave this conversation as I see no benefits to continuing it. All I can say is please, please, think about your parenting. Goodbye.”

(We had a relatively good day at the park after that. The lady actually ended up being hauled off after trying to pummel someone who politely asked her “sweetums” to stop blocking the slide. I really hope I never run into anyone like her ever again.)

(It is April Fools Day. A girl I know walks up to me at the park.)

Girl: “Hey, [My Name].”

Me: “Hey.”

Girl: “Wanna go on a date?”

Me: *cautiously* “Sure.”

Girl: “APRIL FOOLS!”

Me: “Oh, good. If I’d said it, that would’ve made ME look like the a**-hole.”

(I’m Dutch and so are my parents. Their English is not entirely perfect, especially my mum’s. They are on holiday in London and visit the botanical gardens.)

Mum: “So, we had visited the glasshouses and the rock garden and a few other places. We got to those just fine. The final place we wanted to go to was called climbers and creepers. We already had trouble finding it, we tried to follow the signs but after a while we didn’t see any anymore. Finally we reached this huge play area for kids. Disappointed we turned around, thinking we would never find the place.”

(At this point I’m starting to realise what is going on.)

Mum: “A few steps later we realise that that was exactly what we had been looking for. Climbers and creepers… didn’t have plants… It was just for kids…”

(Although my best friend and I have been texting, we haven’t physically seen each other in months. One day, I’m at the park when I see her in the distance.)

Me: “[Friend]!”

Friend: “[My Name]!”

Me: *tackle-hugs friend* “I haven’t seen you in forever. Oh, my god! I missed you!”

Friend: *still hugging* “I missed you, too! I can’t believe you’re here!”

Random Woman: *performs the sign of the cross* “Get those ungodly habits away from me!”

Me: “Um… what?”

Random Woman: “You’re going to Hell, you and your girlfriend both!”

Me: “Oh! Yeah, sorry for the misunderstanding, ma’am, this is just my friend. I haven’t seen her in months.”

Random Woman: “You’re going to Hell!”

Me: “Okay, we should go now…”

Random Woman: “Evil lesbian lovers!”

Coworker: “I just had a kid coming to me and saying: ‘Ha, ha! I will be going to college later, so that I will get a better job than you guys!’”

(My coworker and I both had master grades from university. He is a qualified archeologist and I am a historian. Five years later, I still don’t have a job on my qualification level. Good luck, kid.)