(My girlfriend is German, and moved to the UK to study at one of the more prestigious universities. She, my friend, and I are watching the football: a German team versus an English one.)

Friend: “Come on, pass to [Player]! Pass to— NO!”

Me: “Godd*** it, [Player]!”

Girlfriend: *cackles evilly* “Yes, that’s right. Make all the wrong moves. Lose to [German team].”

Friend: *condescendingly* “Are you even interested in football?”

(She says nothing, just stares him down. He looks away, embarrassed. Later in the game…)

Girlfriend: “Yes, pass to [Player]. Pass it now. NOW! Idiot! You missed your opportunity! Wait… Yes, go! GO! Hurry up. Go faster. No, don’t let that motherf***** take it! No! Yes, son, keep going! GO! IT’S AN OPEN GOAL! SHOO— WHAT THE F***?! HOW THE F*** DID YOU MISS THAT?! IT WAS AN OPEN F***ING GOAL!”

(She starts to shout and swear in German, then gets up, leaves the room and slams the door, still swearing profusely.)

Me: “Yeah… She’s interested in football.”

Girlfriend: *from behind the door* “AND YOU CAN SHUT THE F*** UP!”

(The final score was 1-1.)

(I am eight years old. It’s Christmas time. Note that my parents always made a point of raising us gender-neutral. Also, note that I spent the weekend watching an ‘Alaskan Gold Rush Special’ with my grandmother. My mom’s best friend gives us a gift of Barbie dolls and accessories.)

Mom: “Did it have to be Barbies? They are such a bad example for little girls.”

Friend: “But Barbie always has a job. There is even a pilot Barbie.”

Mom: “All right…  So, girls, what job do your Barbies have?”

Five-Year-Old Sister: “She is a princess!”

Me: “Mine is a gold-digger!”

(Mom snatches the dolls away from us, growling.)

This story is part of the Barbie-themed roundup!

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(On my birthday my brother brought a friend over to spend the night. I got to know him and we became best friends. Several months later we are talking.)

Me: “I just realized something.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “We met on my birthday.”

Friend: “Yeah, I remember that.”

Me: “I guess that make you the world’s gift to me.”

Friend: “Ha ha! Yeah, I guess it does.”

(My boyfriend and I have just eaten a very large meal, and we’re lying on the couch, feeling very stuffed.)

Me: “Go get up and get the remote so we can watch TV and not have to move.”

Boyfriend: “Eh… Why can’t you get it!?”

Me: “You’re allowed to use the force if it works.”

(He stretches out his hand towards the remote. Nothing happens.)

Me: “I don’t think it’s working. I guess you’ll have to do it yourself.”

(He puts his hand around my throat.)

Me: “Are you trying to choke me?”

Boyfriend: “But it didn’t work! You said I had to do it myself!”

Me: “Were you trying to force-choke me?! I thought you were getting the remote!”

Boyfriend: “I thought that if I choked you, you’d get all happy and start bouncing around the room and get the remote.”

Me: “I don’t get excited from being choked!”

Boyfriend: “Actually, you do.”

Me: “…”

Boyfriend: “You didn’t think this through, did you?”

Me: *sigh* “You win. I’ll get the remote.”

(My boyfriend and I are on the couch watching TV. I have a little OCD and can’t stand the volume on the TV to be anything not a multiple of five. The volume is a little low, so I ask him to turn it up. He turns it to 29.)

Me: *general waving at the screen and incoherent mumbles as I start to freak out*

Boyfriend: “It’s okay. 29 is a prime!”

Me: “Ah! Yes! That works!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I used to not be able to do anything but fives until I figured out the prime thing.”