Customer: “Hi, I would like to order a copy of [book] please.”

Me: *searches computer* “Sorry, sir, it looks like that book is out of print.”

Customer: “I know that. I want you to order me a copy.”

Me: “I can’t, sir. It’s out of print. They aren’t printing anymore copies.”

Customer: “Oh, well, your colleague already told me that. I just thought you looked smarter, so you could probably get it for me.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “So you can’t get it for me then?”

Me: “No.”

(The bookstore I work in offers complimentary gift wrapping for customers. It’s a steady night at the bookstore and a woman approaches my register.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “I need to get something gift-wrapped.”

Me: “Sure, do you have the receipt for it?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t buy it here. I bought this from another store.”

(She takes out a box of perfume.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t wrap something you bought from another store. You’re going to have to buy your own gift-wrapping paper and wrap it yourself.”

(Ten minutes later, the woman returns to my register with wrapping paper in hand.)

Customer: “Okay. Now can you TEACH me how to wrap it?”

Customer: “I’ve read all of the Twilight books. I love them! Has Stephenie Meyer done anything else?”

Me: “Yes, she wrote another book called The Host.”

Customer: “Great! I didn’t see any other books where the Twilight series is, though.”

Me: “This one is actually shelved in science fiction. I’ll show you.”

Customer: “Science fiction?! Why?”

Me: “Well, she didn’t write it for the young adult section. Plus, given the subject matter, I guess that’s what made the most sense.”

Customer: “What’s wrong with the subject matter?”

Me: “Nothing. It’s about an alien, so–”

Customer: “Wait, an alien?! So… there are no vampires?”

Me: “No, not in this one.”

Customer: “Forget it. I only read vampire books these days. Aliens are just too unrealistic.”

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(I am checking out at a local book store and the clerk recognizes my book, Howl’s Moving Castle, and decides to make conversation. There’s another customer behind me in line. She’s in her mid-40s.)

Clerk: “Oh, I loved this movie, but I didn’t realize it was a book!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s one of my favorites! The book is so much better than the movie. It gives a whole new perspective on everything!”

Clerk: “Then I’ll be sure to check it–”

Customer Behind Me: *eyes full of excitement* “Are you talking about Twilight?”

Clerk & Me: *together* “NO.”

(A customer approaches me with a box set of the Twilight novels.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my 13-year-old granddaughter and I think she would like these. My wife said to look at them. Don’t they promote abstinence?”

Me: “Well, sort of. The two main characters do end up sleeping together in the final book, though they are married. There’s some uncomfortable gore, though. I wouldn’t recommend it for a 13-year-old.”

Customer: *confused* “I was told these would be great for her. What kind of gore do you mean?”

Me: “Well, the girl ends up getting pregnant with a half-vampire baby and, er, the male main character sort of rips it out of her with his teeth.”

Customer: *drops books in horror* “That’s horrific! And these are for teenage girls? Why would people read that?”

Me: “I wonder the same thing myself, sir.”

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