(A guy has been leaning over the counter trying to chat me up while I rang up his purchases. Finally, he notices the rings on my finger.)

Customer: “Oh, you’re married?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Don’t you find that puts guys off?”

(I’m helping an elderly customer look for a book when some guy interrupts, speaking gibberish. I can’t understand what he’s saying at all.)

Me: “I’m sorry, could you try to describe it?”

Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

Me: “Sorry?”

Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

(The elderly customer apparently understands and begins speaking to the guy.)

Elderly customer: *gibberish*

Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

Elderly customer, to me: “Music books?”

Me: “Over there.”

Elderly customer: *gibberish*

Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

Elderly customer, to me: “Where?”

Me: “In the corner.”

Elderly customer: *gibberish*

Gibberish guy: *gibberish*

(The gibberish guy leaves.)

Me: “Uh, thanks for the translation.”

Elderly customer: “Oh, I speak a little of everything.”

Me: “What language were they speaking?”

Elderly customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: ”Ma’am, you’re not allowed to have non-service dogs in the store unless you’re holding them.”

Woman: “Oh, I know.”

Me: “Well… I am going to have to ask you to keep the dog in your arms while you’re shopping.”

Woman: “That’s fine. I just had to readjust my thong.”

Woman’s young daughter: “MOM!!!!”

Woman: “What? I wanted him to know.”

Related:
Way Too Much Information

Customer: “This is a readin’ movie. Do I have to pay fer this? It’s a readin’ movie. Ya’ know, where ya’ have to read it?”

Me: “You mean it had subtitles?”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! I don’t have to pay for that, do I?”

Me: “Well, we really don’t do preferential refunds because it isn’t our obligation to make sure the customer likes the movie. We just make it available.”

Customer: “That’s bullcrap!”

(He skulks away from my register and hangs around the candy display as the next customer walks up laughing.)

Me, to the next customer: “Hello, ma’am. How’re you doing today? Good? That’s great. Before we start here, I’d like to warn you that this magazine you’re about to purchase is a readin’ magazine, and that we don’t give refunds. Sorry.”

(The previous disgruntled customer, who obviously heard everything I said, is completely oblivious to the fact that I’m mocking him.)

(Keep in mind that our bookstore only sells books, CDs and DVDs: no electronics, no rentals or software.)

Coworker: “Good morning, what can I help you find?”

Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried Best Buy across the parking lot?”

Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there, I want to buy it here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

(The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.)

Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

Eavesdropping manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

(I work for a bookstore that sells bibles. We get a lot of interesting customers that call…)

Me: “***, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have the book of Chronicles?”

Me: “Do you want a commentary for it?”

Customer: “No. You know, the book of Chronicles that they talk about in the bible. Do you have that?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Have you ever read a bible?”

Me: “Yes, I have…”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking for the book of Chronicles.”

Me: “Let me search our computer system and see if I can find something.” *I pretend to search the computer* “The only thing I can find is the actual books in the bible called first and second Chronicles.”

Customer: “Do y’all have that in the store? Where’s it at?”

(I pull a bible off the shelf and tell him the exact location of the books.)

Customer: “I’ve never seen that in any of my bibles.”

Me: “Sir, these two books have been in here for over 2,000 years.”

Customer: “Not in any bible I’ve read!”

(After the customer finally hung up, I asked my manager to shoot me.)

Customer: “I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Were you after a particular book?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “What was the title?”

Customer: “I can’t remember.”

Me: “Do you know who the author is?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you remember what it’s about?”

Customer: “I saw it recently…”

Me: “Can you tell me anything at all about it?”

Customer: “It had a nondescript cover.”

Me: “…”

(And I found it!)

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $2.00.”

Customer: *shocked* “What? The sign said $1.85! How can it be $2.00?”

Me: “Yeah, $1.85 plus 15 cents for tax.”

Customer: *sighs loudly and opens up her Chanel bag to take two dollars out of her Gucci wallet*

Old Lady: “And how old are you, about sixteen?”

Me: “I’m twenty-seven years old, ma’am.”

Old Lady: “But… you’re so pretty!”

Me: “Er, thanks.”

(I guess I should try harder to look ugly from now on.)

Customer: “I’m here to pick up a book I ordered.”

Me: “Did you receive a card saying it was in?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Great, let me get it for you. What’s your last name?”

Customer: *gives last name*

Me: *goes to special order shelf, behind the cashwrap, to find the book*

Customer: *comes behind the cashwrap and looks too*

Me: “Sir, I need to ask you to step back in front of the registers. This is a secure area.”

Customer: *ignores, keeps looking*

Me: “Sir, please step back! We don’t allow customers in this area!”

Customer: *grumbles, steps back*

Me: *finds book, completes sale*

Customer: *leaves*

Coworker, laughing: “Do you know who that was?”

Me: “Well…he looked familiar.”

Coworker: “That was the governor! You just bossed the governor around!”

(I felt a little silly for not recognizing him, but he hadn’t been governor for long, had a common last name and looked like every other rich, entitled guy who ever came into the store.)