Husband: “So the guy asks the cop, out of all the cars, why’d you pull me over? The cop says, ‘Ever go fishing and try to catch all the fish?'”
Me: *laughing* “Well, look at you. You go fishing, and all you catch is a poor sad little minnow!”
Husband: “Minnow? No. More like a tadpole.”
Me: “A tadpole?! Seriously?!”
Husband: “I only meant it like you have room to grow!”
(My then-wife and I are in the midst of an argument.)
Me: “Look, you moody cow –”
Wife: “Don’t ever call me that! No human being should ever be compared to an animal, you male, chauvinist–”
(She stops suddenly. Knowing what she is about to say next, I chime right in.)
Me: “Pig?”
Wife: *laughs*
(Although we’re no longer together, we didn’t split up for another five years.)
(One night in bed, my boyfriend rolls over and snuggles against my back. I tend to tease him when he gets affectionate.)
Me: “Are you expressing some carnal desires there, babe?”
Boyfriend: “Mmm…KFC.”
Me: “What?”
Boyfriend: “Oh. Sorry. I thought you said ‘colonel’.”
(One day, my sister is stacking shelves, wearing an admittedly ugly uniform of dark blue and green. Her hair is tied into a hairnet thing and she is wearing her granny glasses. A tall, cute guy walks over to her with a shopping trolley. Note that she’s not in the best of moods.)
Guy: “Wow, what is the most beautiful woman in the world doing stacking shelves?”
My sister: “Stop taking the p*** and f*** off!”
(The guy leaves, but returns an hour later. By this time, she’s working the till.)
Guy: “Even more beautiful when you’re upright.”
My sister: “For the love of god, leave me the h*** alone!”
(Happily he didn’t: the guy and my sister have been married 8 years, proving English men are often more romantic than the women.)
(I play Magic with my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for five years. I’ve been using some of his cards, so he decides to buy me my own set.)
Cashier: “This is a good set. You planning on entering the tournament this weekend?”
My boyfriend: “Yeah, I will be, but these cards are for my girlfriend.”
Cashier: *shocked* “But girls don’t play Magic.”
My boyfriend: “Well, she does, and she’s pretty good.”
Cashier: “You know if she beats you, you won’t ever live it down?”
My boyfriend: “Heck, if she beats me, I’ll marry her and brag about it in our vows.”
Me: “Aww…thanks honey.”
(I kiss him and we walk out with the cashier staring. I still haven’t beaten him, but I will soon!)
