(My husband and I are walking through the store holding hands.)

Him: “Hold my elbow.”

(I slide my hand up so our arms are linked.)

Him: “Hold my hand.”

(I slide my hand down so we’re holding hands again. I continue following his directions for a while.)

Him: “Hold my elbow. Hold my hand. Hold my elbow. Hold my hand. Elbow. Hand. Elbow. Hand. Elbow-Hand-Elbow-Hand!”

Me: “What is wrong with you?!”

Him: “My forearm was itchy and I wanted you to rub it for me.”

(I’m lying around with my boyfriend-at-the-time. I’ve just told him that I had randomly woken up shirtless that morning. Note: my boyfriend is from Nepal, so I sometimes can’t understand his accent.)

Boyfriend: “Was there a bee in your room?”

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “Was there a bee in your room?”

Me: “A bee? Like a bumblebee?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah! They strip you!”

Me: *confused* “…What?”

Boyfriend: “You didn’t know that?!”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Boyfriend: “Jesus Christ!”

Me: *even more confused* “What?!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah! I interviewed him the other day! He told me I was sexy!”

Me: “Jesus did NOT tell you you were sexy!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah!”

Me: “A lightning bolt is going to come down and hit you! I’m gonna get hit, too, because I’m right here!”

Boyfriend: *puts his arm around me* “If lightning comes, I push you.”

(My boyfriend and I are video chatting with another guy that I used to date. My boyfriend is continuously reaching for my chest as a joke. I keep slapping him away, laughing.)

Me: “Leave me alone!”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Hey, don’t blame him. They’re so big they have their own gravitational pull.”

Me: “Ugh.”

(My boyfriend reaches for something on his desk and holds it up.)

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I always have to use this to find them.”

Me: “What’s that?”

Boyfriend: “A star chart!”

(The two collapse into laughter as I try and figure out how I keep dating men who love to mock me.)

(I am tutoring middle school students. Note that I am seventeen and in high school.)

Middle school boy: “Hey, baby.”

Me: “Knock it off.”

Middle school boy: “But, c’mon! I know you feel it too! I’m twelve now, and I can please a woman. You’ll see!”

Me: “Seriously, kid. Please stop.”

Middle school boy: “As long as you stay hot, I will love you! Don’t get a skin condition. Or glasses. I hate glasses.”

(My boyfriend and I are pretty serious, even though we’ve been together for less than a year. We’re also notorious for being very open and honest with the stage of our relationship. I’m talking to a friend on the phone, who is one of those girls who gets way ahead of herself.)

Me: “So, [Boyfriend] and I were talking. I mentioned that I got him his Christmas present, and now he’s impatient.”

Friend: “Oooh! I can’t wait until he gets it! Do you know what he got you?”

Me: “Well, he said he’s thinking about it.”

Friend: “Diamonds!” *laughs*

Me: “Oh yeah… last night, he starts talking about this ring–”

(Suddenly, my friend screams so loud through the phone that my boyfriend can hear across the room.)

Friend: “OH MY GOD! He’s going to propose for Christmas! OH MY GOD!”

(She continues screaming hysterically for an entire five minutes, with me trying to get her to pay attention to me. Finally, she calms down.)

Friend: “I’m sorry, I have to go. This is just too sappy for me right now. Love you.” *hangs up*

(I turn to look at my boyfriend with a confused look on my face.)

Boyfriend: “What did you do?!”