The Man Show-ology 101

| Romantic | September 27, 2011

(During my training at a jewelry store, an attractive couple comes in and heads right for the wedding bands.)

Me: “Hi, folks. Are you just browsing?”

Bride-to-be: *beaming happily* “We’re getting married in a few months.”

Me: “Congratulations! Is there anything specific you were looking for?”

Husband-to-be: “Yeah. Do you have any that are flesh-colored?”

Bride-to-be: *smacks him in the back of the head*

Husband-to-be: “I mean, do you have any bright gold ones that lets all the women know I’m married?”

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Hair Apparent, Frustratingly Senescent

| Romantic | September 26, 2011

(I’m sitting outside, relaxing in the sun with my youngest daughter, when my sweet husband comes out the front door to talk to me. He looks down at us and pauses before going back inside.)

Husband: “You know honey, the way you’re sitting there with the sun shining on your hair, I just realized…”

(I smile at him affectionately, anticipating the compliment he is about to pay me.)

Husband: “You’re getting really gray-headed, old woman!”

 

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Foot In Mouth Disease, Perhaps

| Romantic | September 26, 2011

(I am sitting alone at my lunch table, waiting for my friends to finish getting their food when a boy I’ve never talked to comes up.)

Boy: “Hey there, [my name]·”

Me: “Uh, hi?”

Boy: “So, I was wondering…”

Me: “What?”

Boy: “Do you have some disease that makes it so you can’t absorb fat correctly?”

Me: “Um, excuse me?”

Boy: “Well, you’re just really skinny.”

Me: “That was the worst pick up line, ever.”

Boy: “I’m sorry. But seriously–no diseases?”

Me: “What? No!”

Boy: *disappointed* “Oh, okay. Well, can I maybe text you sometime?”

Me: “Honestly, no.”

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All’s Well That Girlfriends Well

| Romantic | September 23, 2011

(I’m reading a book in the library when a random guy approaches me.)

Guy: “Hey, babe. Wanna get laid tonight?”

Me: “Sorry, bro, but I’m a lesbian. And I highly doubt even a straight girl would accept such an offer from a stranger, really.”

Guy: “You’re a lesbian? That doesn’t matter. We can still hook up! You can bring your girlfriend!”

Me: “I don’t have one. And being a lesbian means that you only like girls, not guys.”

Guy: “Then I’m a lesbian, too!”

Me: “No, you have to be a girl.”

Guy: “Does that mean my girlfriend’s a lesbian?”

Me: “If she’s dating you, then no. Wait, you have a girlfriend?”

(At this point, an embarrassed-looking girl comes over to me, apologizes, and drags him away. The next day, she’s again at the library, and I learn that she’s bisexual and has now dumped the rude guy. She is now my girlfriend!)

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Warning: Honesty Cuts Both Ways

| Romantic | September 23, 2011

(I’m on the phone with my boyfriend. We go to college together, but are apart for the summers. It is one week before we return for the fall semester.)

Me: “You really should get a haircut before we go back to school.”

Him: “I was going to wait until we get back, so that you can cut it.”

Me: “Awww, you like the way I cut your hair? How sweet!”

Him: “No, it’s just cheaper.”

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