(My roommate is a dancer and often very concerned about her weight, even though she doesn’t need to be. She constantly asks me or her boyfriend if we think she is fat or comment on how she needs to lose weight. Unfortunately for her boyfriend, he never had any sisters, so has no training on how to deal with these things.)
Friend: “[My name], do you think I’m fat?”
Me: “No, of course I don’t.”
Friend: *buries her face in her pillows* “I think I’m fat.”
Boyfriend: “It’s okay, I like your fat.”
(We then spent the next 20 minutes lecturing him on why that is not an appropriate response.)
(My husband is engrossed in something on his laptop, and I’m looking for a certain TV show on the DVR. I finally find it.)
Me: *to myself* “There! I knew I was missing one!”
Husband: “I was too listening!”
(We have just finished dinner at my husband’s parent’s house. I am randomly poking and tickling him. He is giggling and fighting me off. He suddenly raises his hand and waves it at me.)
Husband: “AVADA KEDAVRA!”
Me: *gasps in shock* “Did… did you just use the killing curse against me?”
Husband: “I was desperate.”
His father: “Don’t use killing curses against your wife.”
Related
Totally, Like, Sectumsempra
(from NotAlwaysRight):
Totally, Like, Aguamenti
Totally, Like, Excruciatus
(My boyfriend and I go to different colleges. He has come by for a visit.)
Me: “Just so you know, I’m dyeing my hair red over spring break.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, you told me. Why do you keep doing this?”
Me: “I miss having red hair.”
Boyfriend: “I just can’t see you with red hair. You look so much better with brown or black hair.”
Me: “But my hair was red when you met me.”
Boyfriend: “Yes, and it was very distinctive, but that didn’t mean it looked good on you!”
(My fiancée is feeling really sick.)
Fiancée: “I don’t feel so good, I think I’m going to go to bed.”
Me: “That’s probably a good idea. That stomach bug has been going around a lot recently. You should take it easy.”
(I give her a hug and notice that she has the ‘sick’ smell that people sometimes get when they’re ill.)
Me: “Good night, sleep well, and try to smell better.”
Fiancée: “I…what?”
Me: “Feel better. I meant feel!”
Fiancée: “That’ll probably be funnier when I’m not feeling like crap.”
