A Stench Made In Heaven

| Romantic | October 17, 2011

(My hubby and I have only been married for three months. One night, he comes home from work and starts getting ready for bed.)

Me: “You need a shower.”

Hubby: “I know, don’t worry! I won’t make you smell my ball sweat!”

Me: “Why did ‘ball sweat’ remind me to take my birth control?”

Hubby: “Welcome to marriage, babe.”

1 Thumbs

Support Me Or My Weight, But Not Both

| Romantic | October 17, 2011

(My husband and I are shopping for a cheap sling back chair that I need to take to a meeting for work. We’re looking in the outside lawn and garden section and decide to ask an associate for help. The clerk brings out a small, inexpensive chair.)

Me: “Awesome. That is just what I want.”

Husband: “Are you sure you don’t want to try it out first?”

Me: “I’m using it for a two or three hour meeting. It’s fine.”

Husband: “I really think you should try it out.”

Me: “What is there to try? It’s a chair.”

Husband: “Well…I just want to make sure that it will hold your weight.”

Me: *not amused*

Clerk: “If you want to punch him, I see nothing!”

1 Thumbs

And By The Orwellian Power Vested In Me

| Romantic | October 16, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are out at a nice restaurant to celebrate getting into the same graduate school. He has been vehemently anti-marriage for our entire relationship, but ever since we got accepted I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to ask him to do a commitment ceremony with me. What can I say, I like parties!)

Boyfriend: “Now, before I say anything, please don’t cry or make a huge scene, okay?”

Me: *slightly freaked out* “Okay…”

Boyfriend: *pulls out ring box* “Sweetie, I love you very much, and I want the blessings of our fascist state on our union. Will you marry me?”

Me: *crying* “Yes, you jerk!”

(And so far, we’ve lived happily ever after.)

1 Thumbs

I Love You Just The Way You (And Your Rear) Are

| Romantic | October 15, 2011

Boyfriend: “I’m going to start working out again, I want to lose a little weight.”

Me: “Me too! Maybe we should start running or biking together?”

Boyfriend: “If you lose that ass, I’m breaking up with you.”

Me: “…what?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I like them big!”

1 Thumbs

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Folder

| Romantic | October 14, 2011

(It’s the last term of senior year at college, and I live in a dorm. My door is half open as I’m folding some laundry casually and a very cute girl walks by. She sees me and pokes her head in.)

Cute girl: “Oh God, guys folding laundry? I look forward to how wrinkly you’ll be!”

Me: “Hey, now, I can fold my own laundry pretty darn well.” *demonstrates on a pair of pants*

(Suddenly, the cute girl begins to speak super fast.)

Cute girl: “Uh…you’re really super cute and I’ve liked you through, like, all of college and stuff but I never got up the courage to ask you out and I was hoping to just kind of help you fold laundry and be all flirty and see where it goes and stuff.” *turns and begins to walk away*

Me: “Hang on!”

(I quickly crumple up the pair of jeans I just folded.)

Me: “Can you teach me to fold these? I figured you might know.”

(We ended up talking for hours and we never did get that pair of laundry folded, but we’re currently engaged!)

1 Thumbs