Not The Kind Of Arches I’d Imagined

| Romantic | October 20, 2011

(My boyfriend and I are eating lunch at a fast food restaurant known for its iconic arches. The decor of this particular establishment is a bit tacky, with plastic gold candelabras, “fancy” wallpaper, and paintings. We’ve been together a while and have been planning on getting married.)

Me: “I don’t understand why someone would decorate a [fast food restaurant] like this.”

Boyfriend: “I know. Can you imagine how many people have been married in these places?”

Me: “Oh, I know.”

Boyfriend: “Or how many people have gotten engaged in one?”

Me: *laughs* “Probably too many to count.”

Boyfriend: “Well, there’s about to be one more!” *reaches under the table*

Me: *speechless*

Boyfriend: “I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Oh, you should see your face right now!”

Me: *fuming* “I can’t believe you did that!”

Boyfriend: *laughing*

(He proposed for real a few months later, and we got married the following year.)

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The Frog And I

| Romantic | October 20, 2011

Me: “I like this boy at school. I want to marry him!”

Mom: “That’s nice, but aren’t you a little young? You’re only 15.”

Me: “Well, when I grow up. He’s my Prince Charming! We’re going to live happily ever after. Nothing will change that!”

Mom: “That’s a nice dream.”

Me: “Dream? No, it’s gonna be real! Doesn’t everyone marry their Prince Charming?”

Mom: “Everyone wants to, but you know, real life isn’t always a fairy tale ending. I wanted to marry my Prince Charming when I was younger.”

Me: “Didn’t you?”

Mom: “No, I married your Dad instead.”

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Pass The Trial, Walk Down The Aisle

| Romantic | October 19, 2011

(I answer the phone at home. A female caller answers.)

Me: “Yup?”

Female caller: “Hello! Is this [name]?”

Me: “That’s me.”

Female caller: “Great! I need your help with something?”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Female caller: “Will you marry me?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Female caller: “Yes, I said if you wanted to marry me?”

Me: “I don’t know who you are, first of all.”

Female caller: “I’m [name I don’t recognize]. Now, will you?”

Me: “Uh…no. First of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, I’m engaged. Third and final, I’m getting married next week. Better luck with someone else.

Female caller: “So you’re not marrying me?”

Me: “I wouldn’t marry you unless you’re my girlfriend.”

Female caller: “I see. That’s a shame.”

Me: “Huh?”

Female caller: “I am your girlfriend, you dumba**!”

(We still ended up getting married; she was just wondering how faithful I was, apparently!)

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When Both Sides Of The Bed Are Wrong

| Romantic | October 18, 2011

(My husband and I have just woken up on a lazy Sunday morning. He rolls over to kiss me.)

Husband: “I never get tired of waking up next to you.”

Me: “Awwww.”

Husband: “I really think I love you the most in the morning.”

Me: “Oh yeah?”

Husband: “Yeah.” *kisses me again* “Because you haven’t had a chance to do anything stupid and f*** it up yet!”

Me: “I see you’re certainly getting an early start, though!”

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They’re Useful For Clawing Creeps

| Romantic | October 17, 2011

(I have long fingernails that usually have artwork on them. A guy about 20 years my senior comes up to me when I’m reaching for an item on a shelf.)

Guy: “Wow, I really love your nails!”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Guy: “I hope you have someone who appreciates what those nails can do!”

Me: “Uh, I do.”

Guy: “Does he treat you like a princess? Because if not, I know of someone who will.”

Me: “Oh, he does.”

Guy: “Do you suppose we could clone you?”

Me: “Uh…I don’t think the world needs more than one of me.”

Guy: “I guess it would be unethical. Well, bye now! You take care of those nails!”

(He walks off. I go to find my boyfriend and stay with him until we’re done shopping.)

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