(My boyfriend is really drunk as it is St. Patrick’s Day, and drunk dials me.)
Boyfriend: “I really want to tell you I ‘L’ you for the first time.”
Me: “I know, but we agreed to wait until you see me in person. Wait until May.”
Boyfriend: “No! I love you! Ha! I said it!”
Me: “Aw. I love you, too.”
Boyfriend: “I’m going to call you back. I need to puke.”
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(I am playing a computer game while my husband watches. I am not very good.)
Husband: “Use your shield! Drink a health potion! You have to actually hit him with your sword to do damage, woman!”
(I defeat the monster, mostly due to his caustic advice.)
Me: “What would I do without you?”
Husband: “Probably be mocked less.”
(My husband and I are making spaghetti at home and I need to get to the spices. He’s in the way.)
Me: “Scoot your butt.”
(He moves out of the way. I’m getting the spices when I hear something dragging along the floor. I look behind me. He’s sitting on the floor dragging his butt on the floor like a dog with worms.)
Husband: “This is harder than it looks.”
(My husband is a long haul truck driver, and we make sure to talk on the phone every day, even if we don’t have much to say.)
Me: *jokingly* “You are kind of boring.”
Husband: “What can I talk about to make this conversation more exciting for you?”
Me: “Tell me how much you love me.”
Husband: “Two cups.”
Me: “Two cups? I love you at least a gallon’s worth!”
Husband: “It’s concentrated.”
( I get very anxious when meeting new people and I try to cover it up with humour . I have finished making an idiot of myself in front of my girlfriend’s highly conservative grandparents by saying ‘I’m a gay sea otter; I blow other dudes out of the water’ when asked what I do for a living. I also really dislike ‘Nickelback’.)
Me: “Okay. To make it up to you, we can do whatever you want on your birthday, and you have full reign of me for the day.”
Girlfriend: “I want to go to a Nickelback concert.”
Me: “Are you sure? I mean, we could—”
Girlfriend: “You told my grandparents you blew other dudes for a living.”
Me: “Nickelback it is.”
