Chuck Almighty

| Romantic | October 27, 2011

(My boyfriend of 2 years and I have a long distance relationship, so we text message each other a lot. One “I love you more” argument happens like this…)

Boyfriend: “I love you more.”

Me: “No, I love YOU more.”

Boyfriend: “I love you more times infinity.”

Me: “I love you more times Chuck Norris.”

Boyfriend: “I love you more times Morgan Freeman’s voiceovers.”

Me: “D*** it.”

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How To Wipe Out A Relationship

| Romantic | October 27, 2011

(My sister is at her boyfriend’s house for dinner with his family. She’s excited and nervous because he’d told her it would be “a night you’ll never forget.” She has a habit of always unfolding napkins and setting them on her lap before eating, which he’s teased her about before. When she sits down, everyone stares at her, making her feel even more self-conscious.)

Sister: “What’s everyone looking at?”

Boyfriend: “Nothing. So, aren’t you going to open your napkin and put it on your lap?”

(My sister thinks he’s teasing her in front of his family, so she refuses.)

Sister: “No. No I’m not.”

(As dinner progresses, everyone continues to stare at her.)

Sister: *wipes mouth with napkin without opening it*

Boyfriend’s kid sister: *starts laughing uncontrollably*

Sister: “What?! What’s so funny?”

(The kid sister spills her drink from laughing, and my sister automatically reaches to clean up the spill with her napkin.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, for God’s sake!”

(He snatches the napkin from her hand, opens it, and sets it on the table in front of her. Written on the napkin are the words, “Will you marry me?” My sister stares in shock, and then bursts into tears. An awkward silence descends until she buries her face in her boyfriend’s shoulder.)

Boyfriend’s father: “Um. Is that a yes, then?”

(My sister nods, crying too hard to talk. His father proceeds to bring out a cake that says “Congratulations Ashley and Larry!” as my sister continues to cry.)

Boyfriend’s father: “We had another cake that said ‘Thanks Anyway!’ just in case.”

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Spare The Bod, Sell The Husband

| Romantic | October 26, 2011

(I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and have just come home from the doctor. I’m in a state of information overload and am talking to my husband about all the surgical options presented (lumpectomy, mastectomy, etc). In all fairness, my husband has been super supportive, but this is not one of his finer moments.)

Me: “I’m not sure what the best option is. It’s a big decision to make.”

Hubby: “Well, honey, whatever you feel right about. If a mastectomy is the best answer for your health, then go for it. You know I’m not a boob guy.”

Me: “Yes, lucky me. But just think babe: after the surgery, I’ll be able to get any kind of boobs I want.”

Hubby: “True. I’m just glad you don’t have butt cheek cancer. I do love your butt. I’d be sad if they had to do a butt-ectomy. Screw the boobs, save the butt!”

Me: “Nice babe, that’s great…”

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Why Arranged Sounds A Lot Like Deranged

| Romantic | October 26, 2011

(I’m walking down the street when an older man approaches me.)

Older man: “Hey there.”

Me: “Hi.”

Older man: “How old are you?”

Me: “Um, well I’m an adult.”

Older man: “Married?”

Me: “Sir, please stop asking personal questions.”

Older man: “Sorry, but my son really needs a wife.”

Me: “I don’t even live here, I’m on vacation.” *I begin walking away*

Older man: *chases after me* “Doesn’t matter. Ah, aren’t you Chinese? I have to talk to your parents about marriage, right?”

Me: “Sir, please leave me alone.”

(Suddenly, a younger man who is across the street begins yelling.)

Younger man: “Dad! Quit nagging girls. I can find my own wife.”

(The younger man crosses street to talk to me.)

Younger man: “Sorry, young lady. My dad is not happy that my younger brother is getting married before me. Says it’s bad luck!”

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No Pain, No Jane

| Romantic | October 25, 2011

(I’m sitting in the food area reading a book when this guy comes up to me out of nowhere. The entire time he’s talking to me, he’s looking down at his feet timidly.)

Guy: “Hey, um. I saw you back there, and, um, you’re cute, and um, I don’t know, uh…”

(He hands me a card, turns to leave, and, still looking down at his feet, walks smack into a support pole.)

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