(The x-ray operator sends me to search for an oversized liquid in a passenger’s carry-on. She does the search required and finds an unopened bottle of 185 ml perfume.)

Coworker: “Unfortunately, ma’am, this liquid is over the size limit and cannot go past this point.”

Passenger: “That is not a liquid.”

Coworker: “What is it, then?”

Passenger: “It’s a scent.”

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(I am serving on the counter of a small pharmacy on a busy Saturday. A middle aged lady approaches my desk.)

Customer: “Hi. Can I get something for infected eyes, please?”

Me: “Of course. When did the problems with your eyes begin?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for my dog. His eyes looked really sore this morning!”

Me: *slightly alarmed* “We don’t sell medicines for pets here, unfortunately. You would have to go a vet to get something for your dog.”

Customer: “No, it’s fine. I give him human medicines all the time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you anything for your dog. I’m not allowed to do that, and what’s more, I wouldn’t want to cause him any harm.”

Customer: “But… his eyes are the same size as human eyes!”

(It is the coldest day our area has had in decades, with wind chills reaching -50. Regardless, our theater is still relatively busy.)

Customer: *while walking the opposite direction from me down a hallway* “You should give us free popcorn or something because we came out here in this cold!”

Me: “Sir, unlike me, you came here willingly. I’d rather be home, but I’m working because you’re here.”

Coworker: “You should have told him that they should be bringing us free coffee for having to deal with them!”

(I take gunsmithing classes. I also deliver pizza as a job and volunteer as a Police Explorer. One night a customer who lives in the projects sees me in uniform.)

Customer: “You deliver pizza!”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Customer: “Well, you never saw any of that stuff at my place!”

Me: “What stuff?”

Customer: “Exactly! You never saw it!”

(Too bad I never remembered his address. Might have been able to get a warrant to find out what stuff he didn’t have there.)

(I am watching the walk-through metal detector when two teenagers line up to walk through. The first walks through. It doesn’t alarm and he gets excited. Then the second boy walks through…)

Me: “Okay, walk through.”

(The teenager walks through timidly then stops and stares at me.)

Me: “You’re good to go.”

(He then looks at his arms in astonishment.)

Teenager: “Wow, I’m surprised these guns didn’t set it off!”