(The grocery store I work at also sells DVDs for a pretty cheap price. A customer comes up to me, irate.)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! I need to return this movie!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure we’ll be able to refund you, since it’s been opened. Was the disc scratched or something?”

Customer: “No! The movie was terrible! I can’t believe you would sell me such a horrible movie!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like the movie, but we can’t refund you just because you didn’t like it.”

Customer: “Yes, you can! You’ve seen the movie; you know how bad it is! I demand a refund!”

Me: “Sir, I’ve never seen this movie.”

Customer: “Yes, you have!”

Me: *confused, and 100 percent sure I’ve never seen it* “I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen this movie. I’m not a fan of this genre.”

Customer: “YES. YOU. HAVE. You can’t sell movies you haven’t seen, without knowing if they’re any good. It’s the law!”

(At this point my manager has heard the yelling and comes over.)

Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes. This movie was terrible and this girl sold it to me knowing it would be bad, and now she’s claiming she never saw it. You should fire her.”

Manager: “I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, sir. We can refund you this time, but in the future, please be aware that you buy movies at your own risk.”

Customer: “Good. You should take more care hiring your employees. SOME of them like to break the law!”

(She refunds the movie, and hands the man the $3 he paid for it.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Manager: “It’s your refund.”

Customer: “No way! I paid way more than this. I paid $20!”

(It clearly says ‘$3 movies!’ on the rack behind him, which I point out.)

Customer: “This is bulls***! I demand my full refund! Look, it even says $20 here on my receipt!”

(I take the receipt, find the movie listed, and point out that it clearly says $3. The customer continues trying to argue his case and my manager takes over again.)

Manager: “Okay, sir. I see the problem here. May I have that money back?”

(She proceeds to count the money back into the drawer, and then count it back out again, so it still adds up to $3. Then she hands it back to the customer.)

Manager: “Here you go, sir. I’m very sorry about that. I’ll be sure to have a talk with [My Name] about counting out money correctly. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “Thank you! It’s about time someone knew what they were doing!”

(The customer stalks off, mumbling about how incompetent I am, without noticing that he still only had $3. My manager and I had a pretty good laugh once he was gone!)

(Two male customers approach my line not knowing each other. The first appears to be a teenager and the second seems to be in his late 20s. The younger of the two approaches first with only a pregnancy test, which we offer in our ‘family planning’ section.)

Older Customer: *to me* “Pregnancy test? This is what’s wrong with teens today, right? All of them think they’re adults and decide to f*** each other.” *to the younger customer* “God hates you! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

(The older customer continues going on about the younger customer, and I’m about to say something when the younger customer turns around.)

Younger Customer: “Sir, I would like to get one thing straight with you. This pregnancy test isn’t for me. It’s for my sister who refused to get out of the car because she was terrified that she’d be judged for buying one. I went straight to get this test, grabbed it off the shelf, and walked around the store a few times to prove a point. Not one person has said a thing about me until now.”

(The older customer appears like he’s going to respond when the younger customer continues. At this point people have begun to stare.)

Younger Customer: “Furthermore, I have to admit that I find it funny that you, of all people, are the one to react, claiming that God hates me. You decided to preach about the evils of lust when a quick look at your cart would suggest you are a worse slave to it.”

(The younger customer proceeded to take two particular items out of the older customer’s cart: a naughty magazine and an ultra-large bottle of lotion! The younger customer said this entire thing without once breaking eye contact with the older customer, or breaking stride. Embarrassed, the older customer pulled out of the lane, which by now had formed a line of at least seven people, and went to a register several lanes away.)

(I have gone to pick up junk food for the house, when a customer in line behind me notices the chocolate bars I’ve selected. They are a brand that leaves tiny air bubbles inside the chocolate.)

Customer: “Oh! I just love those!”

Me: “Heh, yeah. They’re a favorite in the household.”

Customer: “I love them because they took all the calories out!”

Me: “The orange ones are the best, I— Wait, what?”

Customer: “Oh, don’t you know? Those holes are where the calories used to be!”

This story is part of our Junk Food Day roundup!

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(I work at the call centre of a theater.)

Me: “Good morning. You are calling [Theater Name].”

Caller: “I got an email telling me that I’ve been charged for tickets that I didn’t buy! I want a refund! This is fraud! Someone did ‘identity theft’ to me!”

Me: “All right. Let me just see in the account. Can you tell me the email address?”

Caller: “It’s [email address].”

Me: “Okay. I do see that a purchase matches this email address. Are you Marc?”

Caller: “No! I want my money back. This is fraud!”

Me: “However, this seems to be the email of a garage. Do you own a garage? Maybe one of the employees is named Marc and could have used this email address when he made the purchase?”

Caller: “No this is fraud! I don’t have employees!”

Me: “Okay, maybe it’s one of your friends? Do you maybe know a ‘Marc’ living in Laval?”

Caller: “That’s the guy that stole my identity? Do you have his address? Give me his address! I’m gonna go f*** him up!”

Me: “I can’t do that sir. Even if you don’t know the person who made the purchase, sometimes people make mistakes while entering their email address when they make a purchase online. It happens all the time. Now I can verify that you have actually been charged—”

Caller: “This is bulls***! My identity was stolen. This is fraud! FRAUD! I’m calling the cops!”

(He hangs up. Twenty minutes later we get another call.)

Police: “Hi. This is [Name] from the police department. I’m here with a man that says he was victim of identity theft and fraud from your company?”

Me: “Actually, he got an email confirmation of a purchase made under someone else’s name. He hung up before I could verify if his credit card was actually charged.”

Police: “All right. Could you check this with him right now?”

Me: “Sure. Can I speak with him?”

Caller: “Yeah?”

Me: “Like I tried to tell you before you hung up, sir, I can verify if your credit card was actually charged. Could you give me your card number, please?”

Caller: “I DON’T HAVE A CREDIT CARD!”

Me: “…”

Police: “I’ll take it from here. Thank you.” *click*

(I have just finished a long and difficult transaction. I have been calmly trying to guide the customer through the transaction, but the customer has become increasingly frustrated and angry. The angry customer has just had a temper tantrum and stomped off, and I start to help the next customer.)

Next Customer: “Wow, some people get so angry about really little things. How did you stay so calm all that time?”

Me: “I have kids.”