(I work at an adult themed store. We close at 10 pm and I have just locked the doors. I have two friends waiting for me in the parking lot, and we start having a conversation. Before we know it, we have been standing around talking for two hours, when a guy in a truck pulls up and gets out of his car.)

Customer: *pulling on door* “Aw, are you guys closed?”

Me: “Yeah, we closed two hours ago.”

Customer: “Well, can you open real quick? I need to buy something.”

Me: “No, we closed two hours ago. If it was really important you would have come in earlier.”

Customer: “But it IS important! You should open and let me buy something!”

Me: “Dude, this is a P*RN store. It’s not life threatening, so, no I will not be opening. Buy your sexy-time things elsewhere.”

Customer: *slinks off embarrassed*

(I’m working the copy desk when a customer walks in.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to print some photos on my flash drive.”

(She hands it to me.)

Me: “Alrighty. I’ll just hook it up and we can go from there.”

(I connect the flash drive to my computer and open the folder for it, to find that there is only one photo on it: a photo of the customer naked and rubbing ketchup and mustard on her large belly.)

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Yes, that one. I want it blown up to poster size, and I want 100 copies of that.”

Me: “I’m afraid it’s against our company policy to print, er, photos of an explicit nature, ma’am.”

Customer: “Really? Oh, darn. Well, do you at least like the picture?”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Then it was worth it to come here after all!”

(I am near the end of a very long shift. A customer comes up so I put my closed sign up. He seems a bit unusual and smells like alcohol but I treated him like any other customer.)

Me: “Hi. How are you today, sir?”

Customer: “Good, thanks.”

(My coworker comes over and tells me to make sure I check his bags at the end of the transaction. I get to the end of the transaction.)

Me: “All right, sir. Here is your change and I just have to check your bags.”

Customer: “Oh, sure, yeah.” *opens bag*

Me: “Yep, that’s okay. Have a great day, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah. Next time I will put some naughty stuff in there for you like condoms and vibrators.”

Me: “… Okay, sir. Have a good day.”

(He left and I told my supervisor. One of my coworkers heard me and told me he has said something like that to her before. She said he bought paw-paw ointment. She asked if he wanted a bag and he said no, that he was going to use it later while he was thinking of her. He is now banned from the store.)

(I work in an office where I assist clients with their paperwork. I am helping a male customer complete some forms.)

Me: “All right. Now, we just need you to sign this form at the bottom here, and we’re done.”

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: *trying to be friendly* “Just sign here, please. We need your John Hancock.”

Customer: “John Hancock?”

Me: “Uh, yes. You know, your signature? Like the guy who signed the Constitution.”

Customer: “Oh! You want me to sign it. Okay! You know, the first time someone asked me for my John Hancock, I thought they were talking about my…” *he gestures to his groin*

Me: *quickly* “Oh… oh! No, no, sir! We just need your signature and that’s all!”

Customer: *laughing* “Yeah, I was pretty confused!”

Me: *quickly wrapping up his paperwork and not wanting to hear how that story ended* “Yes, sir. Well, you’re all done here. Have a great day!”

Customer: “Excuse me? I need to get some underwear. I know what I want, but I can’t find it.”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Can you describe the brand to me?”

Customer: “Well, actually, I’m wearing it right now. Could you just look at it and tell me if you have it?”

(At this point, in the middle of the sales floor, she literally UNZIPS her pants, pushes them down a little, and pulls out the tag.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am really not comfortable doing this. If you could go into a fitting room and write down the information on the tag, I would be happy to help you.”

Customer: “No, just read the tag! It’s right here!”

(I’m backing away, and she actually manages to CORNER me.)

Me: “Ma’am, I would have to touch your underwear in order to do that. I’m really not comfortable with that while it’s ON YOUR BODY.”

Customer: “I don’t see what the big deal is! REACH IN THERE AND READ THE TAG!”

Me: *squinting and pretending to read, lying through my teeth* “You know what? I think we discontinued that brand a while back. We don’t have this anymore.”

Customer: “Oh really? That’s a shame. I always liked this underwear.”

Me: “Yeah, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well… have you met Jesus yet?”