(We close at 8 pm but we have a straggler in the store who was trying on pants at 8:30 pm. Our sign was off and my manager and I were dressed down ready to go home. The phone rings.)

Me: “Good Evening, [Store Name]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “What time do you close?”

Me: “8 pm.”

Caller: “Oh, but its 8:30 and you’re still there?

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “So… can I come buy boots?”

Me: *face in palm* “No, sir. We close at 8 pm. You will have to come by tomorrow.”

Caller: “But you are still there. Are you doing your own work?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Okay. So can I come in?”

Me: “Have a good night, sir…”

(Our store has a pretty standard loyalty program where customers present their loyalty card and are eligible for various discounts. One day, a young man in his 20s with unkempt hair and several piercings came asked me to cut his fabric.)

Me: “And do you have a loyalty card?”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have it on me. Can you look me up in the system?”

Me: “Sure! What was the last name on the card?”

Customer: “‘M-Squared.’ All one word.”

Me: “Umm… Okay, sure. And what was the first name?”

Customer: “Oh, that is my first name. I don’t have a last name.”

Me: “…Okay, let me search for you.”

(Remarkably enough, there was an ‘msquared’ in the system!)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return these two boxes of tea.”

Me: “Sure, no problem. Did you just change your mind?”

Customer: “No. Actually, I sent my daughter to the store to get some tea, meaning something for dinner, and she returned with this drinking tea. I don’t actually need it.”

(At six o’clock in the morning I have just arrived at my job selling cameras for an electronics/appliances store. A woman comes in, wearing either a pink track suit or her pajamas, I am not sure which.)

Customer: *waving the store flyer at me* “I want to buy this special package! The one with a camera body and two lenses for $500!”

Me: “Okay. I’ll start getting those things for you.”

(I went about, gathering the individual items from stock. When I total it all up, the bill is over $650.)

Customer: “This is too much! This ad says it is $500!”

Me: *turn to the supervisor* “This bundle isn’t adding up the way the flyer says it should. What’s up?”

(The supervisor looks at the bill on the computer, then at the flyer, and explains.)

Supervisor: “This is a special package deal the manufacturer sent us. It has two lower-quality lenses and a camera body in one box. We only got six of those packages and they sold out hours ago.”

Customer: “This says two lenses and a camera for $500! I want it for this price, not $650!”

(The supervisor calls the shift manager, who is a woman not easily swayed and not one to be trifled with. She explains the situation to the customer again. The two of them try to talk sense into the customer while I quietly withdraw and look for something else to do, hoping I don’t get drawn back into the fray. Eventually, the customer gets the message, or so I think.)

Customer: “I don’t care what you say. I want this package at this price. If you won’t sell it to me, I’m leaving and I’m not coming back, ever again!”

(Then she storms off to another part of the store. I think she is gone for good, so I put the items back on the shelves. I just finish when the woman in the pink pajamas comes back.)

Customer: “I have decided. I am going to teach this store a lesson! I am going to buy all those things, and then I will go to customer service and return them!”

Me: “Madam, please don’t involve me in your revenge.”

(With no other choice I get her order together again and this time, she lets me ring it up. She swipes her credit card while I put all the boxes in a bag. Then, true to her word, she stomps straight to customer service. After she’s gone, I ask the supervisor:)

Me: “If I have another customer like that, do I have to put up with her, or can I just tell her to get lost?”

Supervisor: “Just put up with it and ring her up. She’s not ‘hurting’ anyone but herself and her credit rating. Everyone from you to the credit card company will know she’s an idiot.”

(I had to grin at that and went through the rest of my hectic day with a smile.)

(As I am walking through the store a customer approaches me from the electronics section holding a DVD of an old classic film.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young lady. I have a question about this movie?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “Is it alive?”

Me: “I’m… I’m sorry but I don’t understand. The DVD you’re holding is an inanimate object. It is not alive.”

Customer: “No, I mean is it live, as in ‘filmed before a studio audience’?”

Me: “No, sir. I’m fairly certain all movies are filmed on closed studio sets.”

Customer: “Okay, but is it still live? Isn’t ‘live’ better, like organic?”

Me: “No, that disc you’re holding is a recording.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “If it was live then it would mean the actors were performing as you were watching it.”

Customer: “And they’re not?”

Me: “No, sir. That movie was made a long time ago. Most of those actors have died of old age by now. They filmed the movie once and moved on with their lives. But they are definitely not performing live.”

Customer: “But if they’re dead then how can I watch them now?”

Me: “Because it’s a recording.”

Customer: “Then who’s doing the movie?”

Me: “THEY did. They stood in front of a camera and made the movie. Then they took the film, and eventually made it into a DVD, and now here it is.”

Customer: “I don’t get it.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay. Do you have pictures from when you were a kid?”

Customer: “Yeah….”

Me: “You know how your parents pointed a camera at you and now you can look at them years later, even though you grew up and aren’t reenacting those pictures as your childhood self every time someone looks at them?”

Customer: *gradually dawning expression*

Me: “There you go.”