Me: “Welcome to the support team. You’re speaking with [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Check claim status.”

(I realise he thinks I’m a recording.)

Me: “Not a problem, sir. Can I ask which service your claim was for?”

Caller: “Skip questions.”

Me: “Um… sir, I do need to know the details of your claim so I can track it?”

Caller: “Eugh! Stupid machine… SKIP questions!”

Me: “Um.. I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not a machine. I need to know—”

Caller: “Main menu!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not a recording. I can help with your enquiry, but I have to ask a few questions first.”

Caller: “Oh, thank god. A person!”

July 2014 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Right’s top-rated stories for last month!

1. Didn’t Have The Backbone To Say It (2,786 thumbs up)
2. Wants The Number Of The Devil (2,425 thumbs up)
3. A Bark As Bad As The Bite (2,286 thumbs up)
4. Filled With Creamy Justice (2,166 thumbs up)
5. That Snobby Attitude Isn’t Working For You (1,992 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(A customer has called during our peak morning hours. As all our technicians are busy, he leaves a message saying he cannot log in to his computer. I phone the customer, who is out on the road.)

Me: “Hi, [Customer]. It’s [My Name] from [Company]. I understand you can’t get into your computer?”

Customer: “Yes. I go into my emails and it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay so you can get into your computer but not your emails?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, so it prompts you for the password but won’t log in?”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “Unfortunately you have to speak to [Email Provider] as they host your emails. I have no access to their systems.”

Customer: “Ah, okay. Do you have a number for them?”

Me: “Certainly, it’s—”

Customer: “Can you email it to me?”

Me: “…”

(I take a phone call for someone in the bedding department:)

Customer: “I’m looking for a white duvet, but I need it to cover a bedspread that is 96 x 114. I can’t seem to find anything that will fit.”

Me: “The closest thing I have is only 104″, but I think you could fit an extra 10″ in just fine.”

Customer: “Oh, believe me, honey. I’ve stuffed 10″ in before!”

Me: *stunned silence*

Customer: *laughing* “What did you say your name was? I am definitely going to find you when I come in to the store!”

Me: “Um, I think I can have it waiting at the checkout for you.”

(I am the customer in this story. I have just had a rant about customers in my store not reading signs to my fiancé while he was buying shoes.)

Me: “Ah, these are nice.” *to sales clerk* “Excuse me, there is no 50% off sticker on these. Don’t you have a 50% off sale like the sign on the window says?”

Sales Clerk: “Uh, no. That only applies to certain brands and this brand isn’t on sale.”

Me: “Oh, no! I’ve turned into that customer that doesn’t read the whole sale sign! I was just ranting about those!”

(We had a good laugh and talked about horrible customers and how sometimes we accidentally have those moments, so I think I was forgiven.)