(A woman in her fifties enters the restaurant from the employees-only door.)

Customer: *shouting* “I want twenty pizzas!”

Me: “Miss, I can’t get your order from here. Please, use the entrance for customers.”

Customer: “I want twenty pizzas!”

Me: “I heard you, but I can’t take your order like this. Please, come to the bar from the other side and I’ll get your order.”

(She goes around the corner to the customer entrance and gets to the bar.)

Customer: “I want twenty pizzas! And I want them now!”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. What size?”

Customer: “The biggest one. And I need them in five minutes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but the oven takes that long only baking one pizza, and I need to make them myself, cut them, and put them in boxes. That’ll probably take at least 50 minutes.”

Customer: “But I want them now!”

Me: “Sorry, but it’s physically impossible. I’ll gladly make them as fast as possible, but not in five minutes.”

Customer: *turns back and starts walking out while mumbling* “Ha! Why would I want that much pizza? Who am I going to feed, the whole city? You’re crazy.”

(I work as a cashier at a well-known chain of pharmacies where “You Pay Less.” A woman approaches my till and sets her items down to be scanned. I start reciting the script as we are trained. Note that it is law to charge for the government-regulated plastic bags.)

Me: “Good day and welcome to [Store]. Do you have a [Loyalty Card?]”

Customer: *flings the card at me wordlessly*

Me: “Thank you.” *scans items* “Your total is [total]. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “A medium bag will be [a few cents].”

Customer: “What?! This is a scam! They are bending us over and ramming us deep!”

Me: “…”

Customer: *loudly* “I’m telling you, it’s not much but it adds up. I must have spent HUNDREDS on bags in my lifetime! Hundreds to line the pockets of some GREEDY FAT CAT WHO JUST WANTS TO BEND ME OVER AND RAM ME HARD!”

Me: “So… would you like a bag?”

Customer: “I don’t want to be someone’s little b****! I’m not going to let them bend ME over!” *grabs her purchases and hurries from the store, muttering to herself about being ‘bent over and rammed’*

(The other customers in the line all cracked up.)

(I work at a city pool as the head lifeguard. We do not allow flotation devices such as life jackets, foam noodles, puddle jumpers (they go around the upper arms and the chest), etc. A family comes to the pool with puddle jumpers, and are told at the gate that we do not allow flotation devices in our pool. About an hour later, a family comes and has a child in a swimsuit that has built-in floaties in the front and back. We have no control over that so they are allowed. A few minutes later, I see a young girl with puddle jumpers on in line for the diving board. Her dad is with her.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but flotation devices are not allowed in the pool.”

Dad: “She just wants to dive off the diving board and she’ll take them off.”

Me: “Sir, you were told at the gate that we do not allow any flotation devices in the pool. If she cannot swim to the pool on her own or without her floaties, then she should not go off the diving board.”

Dad: “This is ridiculous! This is a stupid rule!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but not all parents are as careful with their children as you are. In the past, we’ve had too many children left unattended in the pool with a lifejacket on and no parent. Many parents expect the lifeguards to be babysitters while they read a book or play on their smartphones and leave their children in the pool. Even though they are wearing a lifejacket, those are not made for swimming but for floating. Some young children can actually get stuck face down in a pool while wearing a life jacket.”

(The dad pulls the little girl out of the line and she proceeds to throw a fit, crying and demanding to go off the diving board. I continue to roam the pool deck. I see this dad talking to a lifeguard up in the chair, then goes to the front gate and talks with the guard working the cash register. I go to the front gate to excuse the guard to rotate to his next station and ask the dad if I can help him with something.)

Dad: “You are a bunch of hypocrites! There is a girl in the shallow end of the pool with her mom and she has a lifejacket on! What are you going to do about that?”

Me: “Sir, this girl is wearing a bathing suit with the flotation pads built in. Do you want me to go over to the mom, tell her that the bathing suit is a flotation device and make her remove it and have her child swim naked?”

Dad: *grumbles something and walks away when I ask an approaching family how I can help them*

(The two other guards told me later that he said the same thing to them, and they both gave him the same answer about making that poor girl swim naked! He called me “Shrek” and told one of the other guards I was being a b****. He has come back two other times and caused trouble by acting childishly and deliberately breaking rules along with his wife. He is now known as the “Shrek” guy.)

(The clinic where I work performs DMV physicals to certify that truck drivers are physically fit for their job. All the doctors do them, but if a patient drives out of state, they must be certified by the one doctor who performs out-of-state physicals. A driver comes in on a day when the out-of-state doctor is not working.)

Receptionist: “Hi, what can we do for you today?”

Driver: “I need a physical.” *throws DMV paperwork on counter*

Receptionist: “Sure. Have we seen you here before?”

Driver: “No.”

Receptionist: “Then I’ll just need you to fill out our registration form here, please…”

Driver: “What? For a physical? I’m not doing that.”

Receptionist: “Sorry, but every patient has to.”

Driver: “Ugh! I can’t believe you’re making me do this.” *takes clipboard and stomps over to a seat*

(As the receptionist is setting up the driver’s appointment, she asks:)

Receptionist: “[Name], do you drive out of state at all?” *we always call our patients by their first name*

Driver: “My NAME is Ms. [Last Name]!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry. Ms. [Last Name], do you drive out of state at all?”

Driver: “No! Only in California.”

Receptionist: “Okay, thanks.” *she finishes registering the driver, and asks again* “Now you’re SURE you don’t drive out of state, right?”

Driver: “No! Like I said!”

(Soon the back office MA calls her up. She grumps through the entire physical, complains about the receptionist’s “rudeness”, and leaves in a snit. A few days later, we get a call…)

Driver: “The DMV rejected my physical! I went all the way down there and they rejected it because I drive outside California sometimes! This is your fault!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, that’s why the receptionist asked you REPEATEDLY if you drive out of state.”

Driver: “Well… I thought she was just being a nosy b****!”

(The driver had to wait a week and come back to our clinic when the out-of-state certifying doctor was working. She seemed slightly embarrassed on her return visit!)

(I am ringing up a lady that had come in earlier today when I wasn’t here. I am with another cashier who is training me.)

Me: “That will be [price]. Credit or debit?”

Lady: “Credit. Um, I know this is a weird request, but I was here earlier and I told the other cashier, a man, that I had to go because my daughter was making banana bread and he said ‘Oh, you should have come later so you could bring us some!’ So, I brought some.”

(She places a tin-foil wrapped loaf of banana bread on the counter.)

Coworker: Oh, haha! That just have been [Name]! I will leave it here for him in the morning!”

Lady: “Thanks!”