(I work at an arts festival over the summer.)

Me: “[Festival], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking at your website and I’m trying to get tickets.”

Me: “Okay, I can help with that! What event are you looking at?”

(He names an event that I’m certain is part of a sister/fringe festival that runs concurrently, because it’s definitely not one of ours.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. That’s probably a [Fringe] event, not—”

Customer: *immediately and violently explodes* “NO! NO! NO! NO! God-d*** it! You f****** idiot! I’ve already TALKED to them and they said it’s NOT one of theirs and I’m sick and tired of being TREATED this way!” *he continues berating me as I hold the receiver in shock*

Me: *finally regaining composure* “I’m so sorry, sir. Is there anything I can do? I’ve got their booklet here and can try to look it up, so—”

Customer: “I’m SICK of you! You need to get your f****** ACT together!” *click*

(Another employee, having overhead part of the exchange, looks over at me as I woodenly hang up the phone.)

Employee: “Yikes, what was that about?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure, but I guess I need to get my f****** act together.”

(As it turned out, the event was neither ours nor the fringe festival’s, but a completely unrelated event. I’m sure he felt like he was getting the run-around, but he could have easily checked the local paper to verify. As for getting my act together, at the end of the festival, I was presented with a superlative: “Most likely to have his act together.”)

Cashier: “So, will that be paper or plastic today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh, no, I prefer wood.”

Cashier: *just stares for a moment*

Customer: *realizing what she said* “Oh, um, paper is fine. I don’t know why I said that…”

(Meanwhile everyone around her was trying not to laugh as she exited the building without her wooden bags.)

(I work as an assistant manager at an ice-cream shop. It is April and sunny out and a customer has come in and bought some of our ice-cream cupcakes about one and a half hours ago. A customer storms into the store and demands to talk to the manager.)

Me: “I’m the assistant manager. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I demand that you replace my cupcakes.”

(She pulls the container with the melted cupcakes out of her bag.)

Me: “After you purchased these, did you store them in a freezer?”

Customer: “No. I left them in my car while I did my other shopping. Why would I store them in a freezer?”

Me: “Because they’re made of ice cream. That’s why they’re in a display freezer.”

(I gesture to the back of the store where our freezer sits, full of ice-cream cakes, cupcakes, and tubs of ice cream.)

Customer: “How was I to know that’s why they were in a freezer? You should tell people that they’re made of ice cream before they buy them.”

(I replace her cupcakes with new ones, making sure to tell her that they are made of ice-cream and should be kept in a freezer.)

(I work in a sandwich shop that makes sandwiches fresh-to-order in front of the customer. It looks great and customers can choose what they want fresh, but when it gets busy some orders can be chaotic. A customer walks in while the shop is quiet and orders four sandwiches, which I make and put into the toaster for her. While this is going on, a queue begins to form behind her, but she has yet to finish ordering before her first sandwiches are out of the toaster.)

Customer: *moves to the salad bar before she has finished her order*

Me: *finishes the sandwich she had just asked for* “Would you like anything else?”

Customer: “I’ll come back in a minute. I want to do the salad for these first. Just take the next person’s order.”

Me: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to let you jump back into the queue if I start another order.”

(The queue is now reaching the door in our small shop, and I don’t want someone to end up with the wrong sandwich by disrupting the production line.)

Customer: “No, no. Take his order and I will come back and finish mine in a second.”

(I try to explain again, but she is ignoring me. I motion to the manager, who is on the till and has heard the exchange, and he flags someone who was out the back of the shop to follow the woman and finish her order. Thankful, I start the next person’s order.)

Customer: *finishes with her salads, and interrupts the man I am serving* “I need three more sandwiches.”

Coworker: *who was flagged by boss* “Hey, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “No, this lady was doing my order. I want a chicken sandwich.”

Me: *I smile* “I’m afraid I’ve started another order but don’t worry, [Coworker] is going to finish your order for you.”

Customer: *doesn’t say another word to me but finishes order with my coworker*

(As soon as she’s left the shop I get called around the back by my manager. Apparently the woman lodged a complaint against me for racist behaviour [she was black, I’m white] because I had someone else complete her order. He attempted to explain the queue system to her as well, but she seemed unable to grasp what he was saying. Thankfully, my boss laughed it off and just teased me about being racist for a few days afterwards.)

(I work for a sub-agency for the state that has a five-dollar fee per transaction. There is also an optional five dollar donation on every transaction.)

Me: “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to make the donation today.”

Me: “I took the donation fee off, but we do have a five dollar office fee here that sort of cancels it out. So your total is [total].”

Customer: “What?! How dare you charge me just to come to this office? I demand you take that fee off!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir. I cannot do that. We are not run by the state, so the only income this office has is that five dollar fee. If I didn’t charge it to you, I wouldn’t get paid.”

Customer: “Do you think I care if you get paid?”

Me: “Probably not, but I do. I cannot take the fee off. If you would like to avoid paying it, you can always pay through the courthouse. They don’t charge it.”

Customer: “Fine!”

(The courthouse in question is over 30 miles away. He will most definitely be paying more than $5 in gas just to get there!)