(I work at a 24-hour gym. We are the only gym in the area that is open 24 hours and we advertise that as our main seller — it is on our billboards, buildings, website, fliers, etc. One evening I got a phone call:)

Me: “[Gym], [Location]. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was looking at your website. How late are you open?”

Me: “We are open 24/7”.

Customer: “So the website is not lying to me?”

Me: “No, sir, it is not.”

Customer: “So if I come in at 3:00 am that is fine?”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

Customer: “So you guys are open 24 hours.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Is your pool also open 24 hours?”

Me: “Yes, sir, and the basketball court, too.”

Customer: “So if I come in at 12:00 am and swam for an hour then played basketball for an hour that is completely okay?”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

Customer: “Huh, so you really are open 24 hours?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we are.”

Customer: “What if I bring my son?”

Me: “Still 24 hours, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, so just double-checking. Open 24 hours right?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, we are, sir.”

Customer: “Cool, thanks, bye!”

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Caller: “Hello. I would like to know if your pool has water in it.”

Me: “Nope. Our pool is full of fire-breathing flamingoes.”

Related:
Ask A Stupid Question…, Part 4
Ask A Stupid Question…, Part 3
Ask A Stupid Question…, Part 2
Ask A Stupid Question…

(I work at local pizza place. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “What kind of pizzas do you have?”

Me: “Well, let’s see! I have pepperoni, cheese, [Specialty], which has sausage, mushrooms…”

Caller: “No, no, what kind of toppings do you have?”

Me: “Oh! I have pretty much anything you’d expect! For meats, I’ve got pepperoni, sausage, bacon, ham, chicken…”

Caller: “I don’t like vegetables.”

Me: “Okay, I have several pizzas with meats only…”

Caller: “Well, I don’t like meat.”

Me: “Do you want a cheese pizza?”

Caller: “Oh, no, I don’t like cheese.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Can I make a suggestion?”

Me: “Sure!”

Caller: “You guys need to have a dragonfruit pizza.”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Caller: “Yeah. So, can you make sure your manager knows?”

Me: “Um… okay, sure. I’ll tell somebody.”

Caller: “Okay, well, I’m going to call back tomorrow to make sure you have a dragonfruit pizza.”

Me: “Well, I won’t be able to tell the owner by tomorrow. I’m sorry…”

Caller: “Oh, what’s your owner’s name?”

Me: “[Name].”

Caller: “Oh, okay, he’s the owner of [Pizza Place]?”

Me: “Yes, he is.”

Caller: “Is he the owner of ALL the [Pizza Place]s?”

Me: “Uh, no…”

Caller: “Oh, okay, well, can you tell him right now that you need to make dragonfruit pizza?”

Me: “He’s not here right now. Would you like to speak to the manager on duty?”

Caller: “Oh, no. I’ll call back in a month to make sure you have dragonfruit pizza. Okay? So make sure you make dragonfruit pizza by then.”

Me: “Um, okay, I’ll let somebody know for you.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks. I love you. Bye.” *click*

(What just happened?)

(At around 11:45 pm, just before we close, a group of guys from the 21st function upstairs come downstairs. They’ve been incessantly rude and destructive, in addition to being very drunk. My manager tells us not to serve them. I have scrubbed the beer trays down and it’s clear we’re closed. I’ve worked a 12-hour shift and want a beer for myself and my bed.)

Customer: “Two beers, please.”

Me: “No, mate, I’m not serving you any more.”

Customer: “Nah, nah, you know you want to. Two beers.”

Me: “I said no. We’re closing and you’re too drunk for me to serve.”

Customer: *leans over the bar and pulls the beer tap*

Me: “F*** off and get out of my bar!”

(He smirks and walks out.)

Manager: “Did you just tell him to f*** off?”

(Expecting to be reprimanded I apologise for my short fuse.)

Manager: “No, don’t apologise. If you didn’t, I would have.”

(My brother opened a tasting room just off a main street in our town. Since he’s the owner, occasionally my parents and I will help out and are doing so when this happens. Note that we have an A frame sign on the sidewalk with a balloon to catch customer’s eyes.)

Mom: “Is he really doing that?”

Me: *I come out of the office* “Doing what?”

Mom: “Someone stole our balloon.”

Me: “Really?”

Mom: “Yeah, he was stealing it for his girlfriend. I saw them running away, and she was holding it.”

Dad: “Let them go. It’s better to have them keep the stupid balloon rather than come back the next day with a brick through your window.”

(We would have given them the balloon if they just asked, but who would be so desperate to steal a balloon?)