(One of our waiters takes an order from a family. The mother has shown her membership card so they are entitled to a discount. We are extremely busy so in a hurry the waiter forgets to add the discount on the bill. The lady asks me to bring her bill and is complaining about everything, being rather rude and snappy. When she sees the bills she gets furious for not having the discount on it. I apologize and go back to the till to correct the bill. I take the bill back and as I put it on the table, I repeat the total, and point out the discount on the bill.)

Me: “And here is your membership discount.”

Lady: “F****** discount!”

Me: “No, ma’am. It is not a f****** discount; it is a membership discount.”

(Her husband cracked up. She lost her rags and swore to me never to come back.)

I work in a library.

A guy from Florida called because he found a painting in his mother in law’s garage and wanted to know what kind of turkey was in it.

(I work in a major auto parts store. One night, I am working with the manager, and we are getting ready to close the store up. Five minutes before close, a customer walks in and my manager greets him.)

Manager: “How you doing tonight? Can I help you with something?

Customer: “Yeah, I need brake pads.”

Manager: “Great. What kind of car do you have?”

Customer: “That blue one right there.” *pointing at the front door*

(It’s dark outside, and neither one of us can tell what kind of car it is.)

Manager: “Okay. What kind of car is it?”

Customer: “It’s that blue car, RIGHT THERE!”

Manager: “I can’t see the car. What kind of car is it?” *getting obviously irritated*

Customer: “That BLUE ONE, RIGHT. F***ING. THERE!” *pointing angrily*

Manager: “Oh! THAT blue car?” *grabs a random set of brake pads from the shelf and slams them down on the counter* “Here ya go!”

Customer: “Are those going to fit my car?!”

Manager: “They fit blue ones!”

(We proceeded to laugh hysterically as he stormed out of the store.)

Patron: “Can you help me find a particular book?”

Me: “Sure! What’s the title of the book?”

Patron: “It was published in England so I don’t know if you can get it.”

Me: *fingers poised over keyboard* “Well, I can check. What’s the title?”

Patron: “It was in the bibliography of this other book that I just read. It sure sounded interesting, so it would great if you can get it.”

Me: “What’s the title of the book?”

Patron: “Now I don’t know if I spelled the author’s name correctly…”

Me: “What’s the title of the book?”

Patron: “I think it was probably published in the 1800s.”

Me: “What’s the title of the book?”

Patron: *looking at me expectantly*

Me: *fingers still poised over keyboard*

Patron: “Well, are you going to look for it or not?”

(Back in the 1970s I worked behind the counter in a record store. The band Hawkwind has just released a special 12-inch single edition of their hit “Silver Machine.” A young lad comes in:)

Lad: *in an apologetic voice* “Um, I don’t mean to be personal, but, er, have you got, er, a twelve inch silver machine?”

Me: *laughter*