(My husband and I are out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant with my family, six adults in all. My dad is sitting at one end of the table, and my mother is at the other. At the end of the meal, we always read our fortune cookies to each other.)

Dad: *reads his fortunes and laughs*

Mom: “What did you get?”

Dad: *smiles smugly* “I can’t say.”

Mom: “Oh, come on. Tell me.”

(He passes the fortune to my sister.)

Sister: *laughs* “He’s right, he can’t say.”

Mom: “Just tell me!”

(The fortune is passed from person to person down the table, and each person laughs and gives my mother the same response. All the while she is getting more and more upset with us, demanding that we tell her what is says. Finally, after being passed through every other family member, the fortune reaches my mother.)

Mom: *reading fortune aloud* “A modest man does not speak of himself.”

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(I am picking up my 4th grade daughter from school. As I stop the car at the curb, a boy nearby is calling to her and waving.)

Boy: “Bye, Anna! See you tomorrow!”

(My daughter ignores him and climbs in the car.)

Me: “Hi, dear, don’t you want to say goodbye to your friend? He’s waving at you!”

Daughter: “He’s not my friend! I don’t like him!”

Me: “Oh, really, why not?”

Daughter: “He said he wants to ‘hump’ me!”

Me: *taken aback* “Oh! Um… uh… What do you suppose that means?”

Daughter: “I don’t know, but it sounds gross!”

Me: “Good girl. Let’s go now.”

(My twin sister’s boyfriend is over, and is passing around a bag of Starburst. My sister offers me one.)

Me: “No thanks. I can’t stand anything cherry or grape flavored. It reminds me of that cough syrup we had to take when we were kids.”

Dad: “You know why we gave it to you so often, right?”

Me: “No…?”

Dad: “It put you and your sister right to sleep, so that your mom and I could have some peace and quiet.”

Me: “You drugged us?!”

Dad: “Your uncle the pharmacist recommended it!”

(My family is originally from a third-world country. Our current life isn’t quite luxurious, but we are much better off now than we were before. My uncle has flown over to visit, and is wanting to use our shower.)

Uncle: “Hey [my name], can you bring me a towel? I’m gonna take a shower.”

Me: “Sure thing, uncle.”

(I bring him a bath towel, just as he requested.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Uncle: *unfolds the towel* “Dear lord, just what on Earth is this thing?!”

Me: “It’s the bath towel that you asked me to bring.”

Uncle: “Yeah right it is! This thing is huge! What is this, a blanket?”

Me: “No, that is definitely a bath towel.”

Uncle: “I don’t need a towel this big! Do you have anything smaller?”

Me: “I think we might. How about you come with me so you can pick out the right size?”

(I show him where we keep our towels, and give him free reign over them. After looking around for a bit, he finally picks one out: a small hand towel.)

Uncle: “This was all I needed! What you gave me was incredibly excessive! Just because you’re rich now doesn’t mean you have to buy such nonsense!”

Me: “Okay then. The shampoo and conditioner are over there. And the body-wash is right here.”

(My uncle drops his jaw at the sight of numerous hygiene products in our shower.)

Uncle: “Just plain soap will be fine, thanks.”

(I let my uncle take his shower and leave. After I close the door, I hear him muttering to himself.)

Uncle: “This is absolutely ridiculous! They have to make bathing so complicated in this country!”

(I am with my extended family, telling them terrible jokes.)

Me: “Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?”

5-year-old niece: “No…”

Me: “They say it has awesome food, but no atmosphere!”

(Everyone laughs.)

Niece: “Oh…” *thinks for a moment* “Can we go?”