Left Hand Doesn’t Know What The Right Hand Is Doing

| Related | January 6, 2012

(I’m feeling a bit left out. I don’t think my 2-year old toddler takes after me at all, but he does take after his father. My son is playing with a dinosaur toy, and deliberately makes the dinosaur bite his own hand. He then says ‘Ow!’, reacting very surprised that it hurt.)

Me: “Right. That’s how he takes after me.”

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Trying To Rear-End The Discussion

| Related | January 6, 2012

(My dad has a little mini flashlight on his keys. He hangs his keys off his belt loop on the right side of his pants. The flashlight starts blinking.)

Me: “Dad, your flashlight is blinking.”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “Your right butt cheek is flashing.”

Dad: *checks* “Oh, wow. That’s so weird. I think it’s because my keys keep hitting it.”

Me: “Oh, I thought that meant you were making a right turn.”

Dad: “Oh, shut up.”

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Hair-Raising A Baby

| Related | January 5, 2012

(My husband, baby, and I are getting ready for an 80’s party at our neighbor’s house. My mom has just stopped by unexpectedly.)

Mom: “As I was hanging up the phone, I heard you say ‘Ah, my mom’s coming!’ Why?”

Me: “No reason.”

Mom: “Wait, why are you dressed like that? Is the baby wearing hairspray?! Let me take a picture of you guys! You look hilarious!”

Me: “Okay, sure.”

Mom: *to the baby* “Look buddy, I have evidence now. I can probably make a strong case to take custody of you based on this picture alone.”

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Hard To Digest Facts

| Related | January 5, 2012

(My boyfriend is staying over for dinner. Later in the evening, he has to go to the bathroom. He is taking a while.)

Mom: *whispering to me* “Is he okay in there?”

Me: “I’m sure he’s fine.”

Mom: “What’s he doing in there?”

Me: *uncomfortable and confused* “Mom, he’s probably taking a number two.”

Mom: “Why is he doing that?”

(At this point, I have no idea what her problem is. I can’t find a way to answer this politely.)

Me: “Because, he has a functional digestive system?”

Mom: *angry and embarrassed* “Stop talking to me like that! Don’t be smart!”

(I share this conversation with my boyfriend after he is done with his business. He is now scared to take a number two in the same house as my mother.)

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Losing Train-Track Of Time

| Related | January 5, 2012

(I have just missed the last train of the night home. This is because my mum hadn’t got back to the station on time, despite us arranging to meet there over half an hour before the train was due.)

Me: “Mum, we arranged to meet over half an hour ago. Where have you been?”

Mum: “I work to a timetable five days a week. I don’t run to one on weekends, too!”

Me: “No, mum. But the trains still do!”

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