An Extra Birth Is Worth The Mirth

| Related | January 4, 2012

(I am 13 months younger than my older sister and was, suffice it to say, unplanned.)

Me: “I would never want to have kids so close together. Two years at least, I think.”

Dad: “Well, what can I say. You were kind of an accident.”

Mom: “Honey, don’t tell her that! She’ll think we didn’t want her!”

Dad: “Okay, dear.” *looks at me* “You weren’t an accident.”

Mom: “Thank you!”

Dad: “You were more of an ‘Oh, crap!’”

Mom: “Honey!”

(At this point I am laughing too hard to even protest.)

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Independent Thought Is Dangerous

| Related | January 4, 2012

(My in-laws and I are sitting around at Thanksgiving. My sister-in-law, as if suddenly having some sort of epiphany, jumps up shouting.)

Sister-in-law: “I just found out the United States is the only country that celebrates the 4th of July. Can you believe that?!”

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Dishonesty Is Not The Ticket

| Related | January 3, 2012

(An inspector is walking through the tram checking tickets. A man and a boy aged about three are sitting behind me.)

Father: “I’m really sorry. He likes to hold the tickets, and he must have dropped them.”

Boy: “No, I didn’t, daddy.”

Father: *over his son* “I just looked down and they were gone.”

Boy: *scandalised* “Daddy! You said we didn’t need tickets today!”

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A Real Chirp On Your Shoulder

| Related | January 3, 2012

(It’s my day off and I’m during the day it’s usually just my grandparents home. They’re watching a movie. We have lots of pets, four of them are parrots. One of them likes to join conversations.)

Grandpa: “What just happened?”

Grandma: “He just when shoot dah guy!”

Parrot: “Huh?”

Grandma: *shouting* “I said he just when shoot dah guy!”

Grandpa: “I heard you dah first time!”

Parrot: “What?”

Grandpa: “I said I already heard you!”

Grandma: “Why are you yelling at me? I’m not deaf!”

Parrot: “Why?”

(From here it dissolves to bickering, meanwhile all four parrots start laughing. Best day off ever.)

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Blood Is Thicker Than Honesty

| Related | January 2, 2012

(My mom and I walk into a store together, talking to each other. We look very much alike. A woman is by the entrance and this is our encounter with her.)

Woman: “My! Are you two related?!”

(My mom and I look at each other and laugh.)

Mom: “No! We just met right outside the store!”

Me: “You don’t really think we look related, do you?”

Woman: “That’s so funny! You look so much alike! Now that I’ve had more time, I can see that you’re not related though.”

Mom: “How can you tell?”

Woman: “Well, she’s taller than you, your hair is darker, and your features are different. Anyway, I better get back to shopping!”

(We are browsing racks when I find a top I like.)

Me: “Mom! Look at this!”

Mom: “I like it!”

Woman: *from other side of store* “I knew it! You lying liars of lies for lying!”

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