Me: “Did my friend call?”

Big Brother: “No, why?”

Me: “She’s coming over here. We’re doing homework together.”

Big Brother: “She’s coming here?!”

Me: “Uh… yeah.”

Big Brother: “Are you two gonna do lesbo stuff?”

Me: “WHAT?”

Big Brother: “Girls always do lesbo stuff when they’re alone together! You know, like kissing, and feeling each other’s boobs, and having pillow fights…”

Me: “Would you stop it?!”

Big Brother: “Hey, it’s cool with me!”

(At that moment there’s a knock on the door. My big brother answers it. My friend sweeps past him and throws her arms around me.)

Friend: “Darling! My heart ached from being apart from you so long!”

(She starts covering my face with kisses, and rubs my back.)

Big Brother: “I knew it! I gotta get my camera!”

(He dashes out of the room, and I untangle myself from my friend. She is laughing like a madwoman.)

Me: “What the h*** was that about?!”

Friend: “Oh, I just heard him talking about ‘lesbo stuff’ through the door, and just wanted to screw with his mind.”

(The two of us crack up laughing, then hurry upstairs to my bedroom. We can hear my big brother cursing about how he missed the ‘hot lesbo action’.)

(My dad and my younger sister are at my college graduation. I am the first one in the family to get a college diploma.)

Sister: “Is [my name]’s graduation important to you?”

Dad: “It’s the only one we’ll get to go to.”

(I am visiting my best friend. Two of her children are playing a video game with their dad.)

Best Friend: “We went out and bought the kids brand new clothes the other day. It’s the first time in a while I’ve been able to afford to buy them new stuff.”

Me: “Yeah, they look good. Good job.”

Best Friend: “Yup, [nine-year-old] loves his clothes. You’re wearing them right now, aren’t you kiddo?”

Nine-Year-Old Son: *without looking away from his game* “Yeah, I upgraded my character.”

(It is back when you could order CDs though the mail, and get discounts on them. My dad is looking through the booklet that they send, that you can order out of. I have just gotten up, and am making my way to the breakfast bar to have breakfast.)

Dad: “Oooh! Britney Spears! I think I need to get that one!”

Me: “Dad, you are 50 years old! You probably don’t even know who she is!”

Dad: “Nuh-uh!”

(He suddenly starts singing.)

Dad: “Sometimes I run, Sometimes I hide, Sometimes I’m scared of yooooouuuu!”

(My brother is graduating from high school. I wear a low-cut dress to the ceremony. Because I am running late, I forget to wear the camisole that I usually wear to keep this dress from being too revealing. As such, I am rather exposed for most of the event, until my mom has the idea to use one of my earrings as a pin. We are recounting the story to my 85-year-old grandmother on the way home.)

Me: “So the whole time my chest was hanging out, and there was nothing I could do about it!”

Grandma: “And here I thought they were clapping for the graduates.”